I don’t… I don’t drink coffee. Never have, actually.

When I was younger, I just thought it was gross as shit (it is!), but then, in my mid-20’s, I just cut out almost all caffeine from my life entirely, so even if I had been drinking it… I wouldn’t be now.

(I wish I could say I felt appreciable differences before and after dropping caffeine. I do not. Before removing it, I was still as constantly tired as I am now. After dropping it, I am just as twitchy and anxious as I was before)

The point to this is that… I tend to forget coffee is, like, A THING for people.

So at a previous job, and when I was in my 30’s and presumably old enough to know better, I used to be constantly bewildered that my route to work passed a Dunkin Donuts whose drive-thru line frequently extended out into traffic.

Day in and day out, I would pass this fast food destination and think “Man, how many people need donuts every day at 6:30am?”.

It honestly took MONTHS to register that these people weren’t there for donuts. But for a while, yeah, I was convinced there was a feverish donut cult out in Westmoreland County that couldn’t bear the thought of arriving to work without a big box of shareable donuts.

SPEAKING OF DONUTS…

Love and respect out to my boy John from The Pint for finding these because I couldn’t turn them up anywhere near me. But he found a box and mailed it to me, along with several stickers, magnets, and buttons that are now retro because he has changed the name of his show. Oops!

As we can see, Pop-Tarts is still on their “creme” nonsense. I will never not look at that word and pronounce it “Krem”. Sorry. It won’t happen. Boston KREM Donuts! That doesn’t sound good at all.

Honestly, if you are using “creme”, then just commit to the absurdity, Pop-Tarts. Give me “Bahstahn Creme Dough Knots”. Go all in on the silly words. I actually–wait, I’m serious–if this box had said “Boston Cream Doughnuts”, I probably wouldn’t have batted an eye. “Doughnuts” is much more acceptable to me than fucking “creme”. But Pop-Tarts just won’t stop trying to make “creme” happen, no matter how much I hate it.

You know what, though? No matter how you spell it, Boston Cream Donuts are the best donuts. Well, they are my favorites, anyway, but I never understand why anyone chooses anything else out of the box. Unless they are altruistic and are leaving the best for others. Like a… “I’ll take this plain glazed bullet so that my friends can enjoy some cream from Boston”.

Those are the real heroes.

And I–wait, what?

The Pop-Tarts? What Pop–OH THE POP-TARTS! Right! The reason I’m here!

They’re fine.

TASTE

-The doughy knotted dough form is better! I can’t quite explain because this DOES seem to use genuine donut filling instead of the usual Pop-Tart sludge. But it doesn’t taste as… fresh? Lively? Maybe the Pop-Tart shell consistency is that different from a donut? I dunno, man. B

COFFEE

-It’s not good for you, AND it doesn’t taste good! Stop it; get some help.

That said? Coffee flavored stuff isn’t half bad. D+

MY BEING JUDGMENTAL ABOUT COFFEE

-No, I’m not serious. Drink coffee if you want!

(it really isn’t good for you, though)

Shut up, me!

D-

UNTOASTED TO TOASTED RATIO

-This was another weird one. It actually might be better UNTOASTED because it tastes more like a donut that way and not like a stale croissant that someone put cream on.

35%