Pop-Tart Quest: Boston Creme Pie

I don’t… I don’t drink coffee. Never have, actually. When I was younger, I just thought it was gross as shit (it is!), but then, in my mid-20’s, I just cut out almost all caffeine from my life entirely, so even if I had been drinking it… I wouldn’t be now. (I wish I could say I felt appreciable differences before and after dropping caffeine. … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Boston Creme Pie

Pop-Tart Quest: Pretzel Tarts

IN A WORLD WHERE SOME PEOPLE THINK “SALT” AND “SWEET” BELONG TOGETHER, POP-TARTS HAS YOUR BACK. USUALLY YOU WILL FIND PRETZELS TO BE TWISTY-TURNEY TREATS, BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE… FLAT? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! I don’t know that there is a single mall around me that doesn’t have, like, at least TWO Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Shops. And usually in close proximity to one another. … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Pretzel Tarts

Pop-Tart Quest – Peach Cobbler

Sometimes, when Pop-Tarts releases a new flavor, I think “Well, this might be terrible, but I do need to try it for the #PTQ. I’ll just buy an 8-pack, and if I hate them, no great loss. You know the classic 8-pack box! Four foil packets, two Pop-Tarts each. That’s how we’ve been buying Pop-Tarts for years. But no. When Pop-Tarts release these “Eh, I’m … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest – Peach Cobbler

Pop-Tart Quest: Fruit Loops

Guess who’s back. Back again! Pop-Tart Quest is back! Tell a friend. Pop-Tart’s back, Pop-Tart’s back, Pop-Tart’s back, Pop-Tart’s back do do do do do! This is… Pop-Tart Quest! What are you doing with your life, Kellogg’s? It’s been months since the last edition of the #PTQ, and that hasn’t been because I don’t care about my loyal  PTCuties; it’s because they haven’t been releasing … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Fruit Loops

Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolate Cupcake

Sometimes an article series disappears for months at a time before making a triumphant, if temporary return! Maybe it’s not the author’s fault! Maybe there hasn’t been anything new to write about! Ever think about that? No, you only think of yourself! I’m so tired of your nagging ALL THE TIME. This is… POP-TART QUEST Wait, did you forget about Pop-Tart Quest? That is disheartening. Let me (and that link … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolate Cupcake

Pop-Tart Quest: Spider-Man

Man, Pop-Tarts never misses an opportunity to just print a picture on a Tart and call it new. Fun fact, the #PTQ skipped entirely because they are just Cherry Pop-Tarts with a picture of some kind of weird horse/narwhal hybrid on them. I actually thought those were My Little Pony branded Tarts, but… I guess they aren’t? They are just Generic Cartoon Unicorn. Kinda look … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Spider-Man

Pop-Tart Quest: Frosted Crisp Apple

THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! UH, THAT IS ALL THIS WEEK. Fruit pies are the worst kind of pies. There are probably people out there that prefer fruit-based pies to, say, cream-centric pies, but I pity them as human beings, I feel sorry for their descendants, and they can not eat lunch at my table. They make questionable choices, and I worry about what effect their … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Frosted Crisp Apple

Pop-Tart Quest: Peanut Butter

IN A WORLD WHERE KELLOGG’S PUTS OUT FAR FEWER NEW POP-TARTS FLAVORS THAN THEY USED TO, SOMETIMES THERE ARE HUGE GAPS IN THESE ARTICLES! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! WHO DARES AWAKEN ME FROM MY POP-TART SLUMBER?! Oh, hey there! It’s been… several weeks since our last journey together down Sludge Road. But yeah, I’m STILL not seeing nearly the new amount of Pop-Tart flavors that … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Peanut Butter

Pop-Tart Quest: Splitz

I REALLY FEEL LIKE KELLOGGS AND POP-TARTS ARE JUST IGNORING ME AT THIS POINT. I’M NEVER GOING TO GET MY DISCONTINUED FLAVORS! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! As conceivably the laziest person alive–someone who will stop at nothing to do as little work as possible and circumvent any methods by which I will have to do so–I absolutely love that there was 100% a conversation in … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Splitz

Pop-Tart Quest: Pumpkin Pie

SUPER TIMELY REVIEWS ARE A SPECIALTY HERE, AS WE LOOK AT TREATS RELEASED FOR A HOLIDAY FROM FIVE MONTHS AGO! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Pumpkin flavored anything! You know what that means! Wait, can we talk about how terrific The Good Place is? It’s in my personal top five sitcoms of all time now, with Arrested Development (network seasons 1-3 only because COME ON, NETFLIX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Pumpkin Pie

Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolatey Salted Caramel

POP-TART QUEST ISN’T RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS! POP-TARTS IS RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS! YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS! THIS WHOLE DAMN COURT IS RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Huh? Wait. Didn’t we…? Haven’t we been here before? We’ve definitely done this before, Pop-Tarts! You can’t just throw “salted” into the title and expect an entirely new kind of Tart! This is just … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolatey Salted Caramel

Pop-Tart Quest: Halloween Fudge

GOD BLESS DISCOUNT STORES SELLING OLD STUFF! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Woo! Almost missed this one! For whatever reason, I haven’t seen a “new” Pop-Tart flavor in quite some time, and I was beginning to think the PTQ might have had to have taken a hiatus after last week’s venture. But nope! Thanks to a local discount store, I found last year’s Halloween Pop-Tarts for … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Halloween Fudge

Pop-Tart Quest: Watermelon

SINCE THE DAWN OF POP-TART QUEST, ONE TART HAS STRUCK DIRE FEAR INTO OUR BREAKFAST WARRIOR’S HEART. TODAY, HE FACES THAT FEAR. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Okay, yeah. So yeah. Yep. I mean… ultimately, how bad could a Pop-Tart be? They are sugar and sludge and shell. It’s not landing the Hindenburg; it’s breakfast! Like, even the WORST Pop-Tart has still be okay, right? Right? … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Watermelon

Pop-Tart Quest: Vanilla Milkshake

YOU MIGHT THINK POP-TART QUEST IS OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK NIOW, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG. WEEKS AREN’T THE SAME THING AS YEARS. YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Pop-Tarts are one of the most unpleasant foods in the world to eat when you have mouth ulcers! It’s the perfect storm of pain: the hot gooey inside can burn an already sensitive area; … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Vanilla Milkshake