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We don’t really OPEN with Buffy, Faith, and Giles out hunting–there is an opening sequence of no import with the gang at The Bronze–but it is the first relevant thing that happens. Giles just chills out while his two slayers go to town, and… why do the vampires always leave him alone when he is out with them? Isn’t he a weakness they could exploit?

Anyway, after the monsters are staked, a new character is introduced. She is Gwendolyn Post… and she is Faith’s newly assigned Watcher! She seems very judgey of Giles’ methods and Americanization. So all Watchers are British? That’s weird.

She also thinks Giles’ library is underwhelming, and she critiques what books he does not have. During this, she reports a demon named… I want to say “Lagos”… is coming. Buffy DEFINITELY says “Lagos” when she says it, but I swear I hear “Lavos” when Post does. Maybe the actress was distracted by playing Chrono Trigger in her free time.

Anyway, Lagos is after a magic glove that will make him all powerful or something, and you know what, Buffy? Fool me 18 times; I can’t get fooled again. Lagos will get his glove, and then Buffy will stop him with a fly swatter, and this all will be an exercide in time wasting. You play this game multiple times a season.

And this game is no Chrono Trigger.

In some dialogue we find out that SunnyDale has TWELVE cemeteries in city limits, and that sounds ludicrous until you realize that a solid three of those are just for the students and teachers that have died in the last three years of this show. The glove will have been buried in one of those twelve graveyards.

Yet annother ancient, mystical, old world artifact that just so happens to call Southern California its home. I’d like to point out that SunnyDale’s Ancient-Old-World-Artifacts-to-Minorities ratio is, like, 12:1.

Buffy and Shirtless Angel are doing some sensual tai-chi which nearly culminates in a kiss before Buffy breaks it off and says she has to go.

Giles is frustrated that he has no books on Lagos, and he is clearly under the pressure of Post being a jerk to him. He takes it out on Xander by berating him, so at least Giles is being constructive with his anger. He leaves Willow and Xander alone, which obviously leads to their making out. I’m starting to think Nicholas Brendon was the head writer for this show, and he booked all these hot actresses to kiss him or dance on him.

“You know what would be a great story? If Willow and Xander have an illicit affair and she spends several episodes making out with me. I mean Xander! Xander the character is what I mean.”

Anyway, Giles returns and interrupts them with his presence, but he did not seem to see them in the act.

Or DID he?!

(He didn’t, but that was my note because I thought it would come up later)

Buffy and Faith are perusing cemeteries and talking about guys. Faith has apparently dated a bunch of losers. There is one more cemetery to check before the night is over, and it’s on the way to Faith’s home, so she tells Buffy she will hit it alone.

When she gets there, she sees this weird monster with tusks who just easily kicks her ass and runs off. Poor Faith, man. She’s the fucking Vegeta of this show. Just there to be the cooler, edgier hero who makes dumb decisions and jobs to everyone.

Xander is at another graveyard–the one that Giles thinks ought to have the glove after all–and he catches sight of Angel leaving it! He follows the vamp home where he spies Angel and Buffy kissing heavily. After he huffs off, Angel reveals to Buffy he got her the glove, but they can’t touch it because if you do, it bonds to you and can never be removed.

At school the next day, the gang hosts a fucking intervention for Buffy since Xander spilled the beans. XANDER of all people gives Buffy hell for keeping secrets over who she is spending her time with, and I KNOW that is supposed to be dramatically ironic for the story, but it still makes me hate him even more. Buffy hilariously calls him out on being jealous over her, and she does it RIGHT IN FRONT OF CORDELIA. Damn, Buffy; you don’t slay your enemies as hard as you slay your friends!

Giles sends everyone to class, and when Buffy tries to thank him for getting them off of her back, he reminds her Angel tortured him for hours last year. He is disappointed in her.

Just… a GREAT character moment here from Anthony Stewart Head where you can see the stress of Ms. Post thinking little of him is bubbling up. He’s trying to keep his cool, but also feels the need to be distant. BUT he’s hurt, too. Giles is going through so many feelings, and I buy them all!

Post checks in on Faith at home, and she makes no effort to hide her disdain for Giles. She plants some seeds of resentment in Faith by telling her everyone else had a meeting but left her out of it. Hmmm!

At The Bronze, Xander is in full Pissy Little Brat mode, playing angry pool by himself. Faith drops in to see what was going on without her, and he tells her everything. They decide to go kill Angel and take the glove.

Giles reports to Post that the glove has been secured and he has found a way to destroy it (LIVING FIRE! Whatever that is). Post clobbers him with a statue while, like, slasher movie music plays? It’s a choice, I guess.

Buffy and Willow, out waiting for Lagos, talk the good and bad of having secrets. Buffy says she actually feels better now that the Angel news is out in the open; a weight has been lifted off of her. Willow asks her if the fact that she and Angel were rendezvousing in secret made the whole ordeal sexier. Good fucking Christ.

Willow is about to unveil her secrets to Buffy, but tusk guy shows up. Despite having stomped Faith flat, Buffy beheads him in seconds.

Xander and Faith are loading up on weapons from library jail when they come across a bloody and battered Giles. They bicker for a second over whether helping Giles or going after Angel is more important, with Xander staying to make the call and Faith heading after the vampire.

Buffy shows up while Giles is getting loaded into an ambulance. Xander, in spite of having made the +1 Good Morality Choice and staying with Giles, is still a dick to Buffy as he tells her Faith is on her way to kill Angel. I’ve noted this before, but it’s like this guy can only be SO good before he backslides a bit. He makes one good decision, then it’s back to assholery.

Post sneaks up on Angel and clocks him with a shovel, then is surprised that he is a vampire and her shot did not kill him. So she has infiltrated their group and earned Giles’ trust, but they left that bit of info out? Angel strikes back just in time for Faith to walk in and see the turncoat vamp threatening her new Watcher (which is, you know, a trauma point for the girl).

Faith gets in position to stake Angel, but Buffy stops her, leading to a fight between the two. And this episode has some SHIT fight choreography. Several punches and kicks that miss by a legit half a foot, and I can’t accept those were the best takes that the editors went with.

I have had the occasional podcast episode where I spot check some audio marks and decide “Yeah, that should look good” and breeze past them. Not many! Maybe once out of every twenty episodes, and even then: it’s just bits or the show. But I feel like that’s what the editors did here. Just decided some random take was good enough to air and let it go.

It wasn’t! It wasn’t good enough!

Post puts on the glove and everyone finally realizes SHE is the antagonist here. Then she goes full Raiden and starts summon lightning and absorbing it through her glove. Angel saves Willow from being fried. Post fends off Buffy and Faith for a while… until Buffy throws a shard of glass like a fucking shuriken, and it severs her arm! Then she immediately gets hit by lightning and dies.

I FUCKING TOLD YOU. Every time!

Also: wait. Does this mean Tusk Guy was Lagos the whole time?! Because I did not pick up on that at all! I thought he was just a minion! But he was the named Baddie. He was in two scenes and never amounted to more than “Oh, that guy is in the cemetery!”. In hindsight, it’s SO OBVIOUS, but as I was watching it, I just thought he was Villain #56. He wasn’t as memorable as Stego-Man.

In a show full of disappointing named villains, Lagos sets a new low. A Low-gos, as it were.

Anyway, no wonder Giles did not have a book on him.

Speaking of which, Giles is FINE. He suffered severe head trauma, but it did not affect him long-term in the least. Does that sound dumb? WELL BUCKLE IN…

Episode 8

The SAT scores are in, and Willow is downright despondent over getting a 740 in her Verbal score. We don’t even hear what her Math score was, but it was presumably at least a 760 then, right? Xander puts his arm around her to console her, but Cordy and Oz walk up on them. The latter two don’t notice anything, though because everyone in this show is oblivious.

Cordelia reports she got a very high score, as she predicted earlier. Buffy comes along with her score: a 1430?! I don’t believe that for one minute, show! Nothing about this character so far has established she is that smart. She’s no dummy, but she’s never been shown to have test-smarts. MARY SUE! I CALL MARY SUE!

We cut to the return of Spike, with his previous bad-ass introduction being duplicated here except… he is NOT bad-ass. He is drunk and pitiable. He falls ass-over-teakettle trying to get out of his car. He starts lurking around his old hideout and singing Frank Sinatra. Apparently Drusilla left him? Obviously. When last we saw them, he friggin’ choked her out.

Xander is shocked to see Cordelia has lined her locker with pictures of him, though she plays it off in her typical Cordelia way by saying she looks cute in the shots. But some of the photos are JUST Xander, so we know she is actually smitten with him. He wants her to OK a bowling double date with Willow and Oz, which she reluctantly does. Because she loves him!

Fun fact: this episode spends far too much time talking about this bowling date in the first half or so, and that subplot goes nowhere.

Meanwhile, Oz gives Willow a witch Pez Dispenser, which Willow is WAY TOO STOKED ABOUT, but I guess that’s supposed to be cute or whatever. Man, what this season has done to her character. I barely like her now.

UNINTENTIONAL(?) CREEPY MOMENT OF THE SERIES SO FAR:

Upon getting the plastic candy distributor, Willow says “I don’t have anything to give you”. Oz says “Yeah you do”, leans in… and then walks away.

Is… is Oz expecting sexual favors in exchange for a Pez Dispenser? Yeah, baby, now show me the hole in YOUR neck. I didn’t like ANY of this! WHO WROTE THAT LINE?! They are my foe.

Both Giles and mom are stoked over Buffy’s SAT scores. At school, Giles implies Buffy can make a whole life for herself away from slaying. At home, mom is looking up schools she thinks Buffy can get into. She name-checks Carnegie Mellon (hey, that’s in my city!) and Brown.

Here’s the thing.

I’m PRETTY SURE schools don’t solely look at SAT scores. And the rest of Buffy’s resume is… trash. She was temporarily expelled. She barely attends classes when she is a student. She gets bad grades. She has no extracurriculars. Mom is really overshooting the value of this one test score.

I mean, a 1430 is great! But I’m pretty sure schools like Brown and CMU wouldn’t be fooled by that.

That night, we see Spike spying on Angel, and now that I think about it, this SHOULDN’T surprise Spike, because he had no way of knowing Angel “died”. Anyway, he drunkenly falls down and passes out. When he wakes up, the sun is out, burning his hand. He has to flee to the safety of his VampMobile.

Some time later, Spike is in the town witches’ bookstore, and he sees Willow come in for the supplies to make a love potion. After she gets her stuff and leaves, Spike kills the clerk. Is this the same shop as the gypsy store than Ms. Calendar went to last season? Or is there both a gypsy store AND a witches store in SunnyDale? If it’s the former, this poor place just can’t keep its employees alive. If it’s the latter, this city has a really weird economy to support both.

But it WAS the 1990’s, so the economy might have been good enough.

Buffy talks to Angel about her SAT scores and mom’s plans to send her away to a good school. Angel supports this idea! She should get out and make a better life for herself. Buffy is upset he doesn’t beg her to stay, I guess? I mean, he could move, too. It’s not like he’s bound to SunnyDale or anything. But regardless, we are back to the Forced Drama aspect of this love story where these characters would rather pout that talk to each other for eight fucking seconds.

Willow gets Xander to come to the chemistry lab with her under the pretense of schoolwork, but her actual motive is to work on an anti-lust spell to end their attraction to each other. Xander figures it all out, but before we can focus too much on that, Spike strikes! He bashes Xander’s head in and KTFO’s him.

And now we can come to one of the two best moments of the episode: With Xander unconscious, Spike threatens Willow into making a love spell he can use to get Drusilla back. He smashes a bottle and holds it up to her neck, and Willow has REAL, GENUINE fear! I’ve come to expect from this show that maybe she would throw a quip back at him or tough talk him or just generically go “Oh no, but I agree!”. But what we get instead is Allyson Hannigan quivering and shaking and her voice raising. She is showing true terror at this monster threatening her life.

That passes, though, as Spike starts lamenting the story of what happened since he left SunnyDale last year. Dru was distant; she cheated on him with a Chaos Demon. Eventually, she told him they could only be friends. But Spike cares too much for her to be friends! It’s lovers or nothing at all!

Cordelia and Oz realize Willow and Xander are missing, so they find Buffy doing some jump rope exercises. As Buffy is leaving to find her friends, mom calls; Buffy hears Spike approach through the phone.

After the commercial break, Spike is bearing his soul to mom about losing Dru. Angel, for some reason, is wandering past the house and hears this. He tries to rush in, but he has been disinvited dating back to last season! Spike taunts him for a bit until Buffy sneaks in and grabs him and invites Angel back in. Mom is very confused! Wasn’t Angel a monster last year?

Look, I hate mom, but I actually kind of feel for her here. She never has ANY idea what is going on. Bad monsters and good monsters and bad monsters who used to be good and vice versa… she can’t be expected to keep track of this. She has large wooden crates to crowbar open.

(That only happened once, but I will never ever forget it)

Oz and Cordy are out looking for their partners, and Oz is driving. I realize now that all these characters are old enough that they should have their licenses, so the “Cordy Can Drive” subplot is all the way over, and it makes me sad. Farewell, Cordy Can Drive. You were my favorite background detail that I definitely did not imagine and build up in my head.

ANYWAY, Oz notes he can smell Willow’s fear, so they follow his nose.

Angel and Buffy take Spike back to the witches store to get the supplies Willow will need for his love potion. Spike tells them they, like himself and Drusilla, can never be “just friends” again.

Xander has a serious head injury. There is blood everywhere, and he has a giant gash on the side of his noggin. But he’s fine! He wakes up and talks to Willow as if nothing is the matter. It sure was nice of these last two episodes of Buffy to have The National Football League on as special guest writers! “Massive head trauma? That’s for pussies! You just shake it off and are fine!”

Willow and Xander start making out, and this time, finally, Cordelia and Oz walk in and catch them, and that means that Spike left his prisoners somewhere with completely unlocked doors. They could have left at any time!

Cordy runs off, but FALLS IN A GIANT HOLE and impales herself on a spoke of rebar, shit!

Back at the store, Spike’s former minions have surrounded our heroes (and Spike, I suppose) and are out for revenge. It’s a fairer fight that I would have thought; vampire minions are notoriously trash in this show. Angel, Buffy, and Spike all have Main Character Energy. AND the minions only knew they were looking for Spike, so finding The Slayer and Angel had to be a surprise. Still, they have the good guys on the ropes!

Maybe I’m just not used to Buffy & Co. not Effortlessly^TM vanquishing everything in their path.

Still, the heroes end up scaring them off with some holy water and surviving the night. Spike tells them where Willow and Xander are and decides to head off. The violence has reignited his mojo, and he’s going to win Drusilla back the old-fashioned way! By capturing her and torturing her until she loves him again. Aww.

We get a REALLY CHEAP Cordelia death fake-out (she fades into unconsciousness, then the scene cuts to a funeral), but Willow tells Buffy Cordy is recovering in a local medical facility. She laments everything that happened between her and Xander and just wants Oz to talk to her again.

And then we get the OTHER great moment of the episode! Xander visits Cordelia in the hospital, and she tells him to stay the hell away from her.

Here are three things I hate!

-Xander and Cordelia’s relationship.

-Xander cheating on Cordelia with Willow.

-That I got so invested in hating both, that when Cordy tells Xander to fuck all the way off away from her, I was actually happy down in my soul.

But yes! You tell him, Cordelia! You gave up YOUR ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL LIFE to be with him! And he cheated on you with that red-headed harlot? She sacrificed everything that mattered to her for him, and he gave up nothing to be with her. But he still screwed her over.

I

WANT XANDER

TO DIE.

How hard is this, show? Why is this character still around?

In other relationship news that I don’t care nearly as much about, Buffy tells Angel she can’t care for him anymore because he won’t say he doesn’t love her.

Then the episode ends on an Everyone Is Sad montage.

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Here’s what is strange in the still-early going of season three: as opposed to seasons one and two, I no longer view the filler episodes as frustrating breaks in the main plot. They are now the best part of the show, though that has as much to do with how godawful weak this season’s main plot is. The Mayor and Trick are not even playing in the same league as The Master or Spike and Angelus.

I’m totally down for more of these Monster Of The Week episodes if it means we don’t care about The Mayor making evil candy bars or whatever.

I do worry that the show is about to try to make CORDELIA insufferable for a while in the wake of this, but she is 100% totally and justifiably in the right to hate Xander now. There is nothing they can do to get me to turn on her.