Pop-Tarts keeps using words I don’t know. Like Cobbler. Now Fritter. What is that? It makes me think of a… small rodent. Is this the flavor of a small rodent that just ate an apple? Is that what I want from my breakfast? What is that picture on the box next to the name? It looks like something somebody stepped on. Is that the small … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Apple Fritter

First: I always get Churros and Crepes confused! I think the reason for that–aside from the fact that they are both foreign treats that start with a C–is that when I was in the Dominican Republic*, I had crepes once. And so I assume crepes are more Hispanic than they actually are. It’s the only time I had a crepe! My wife was lost on … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Day Of The Dead!

I rather infamously do not like coffee. Even before I cut any relevant amount of caffeine out of my life about 15 years ago, I did not drink coffee. Shit’s gross, guys;I don’t know how you do it. If I did drink coffee, it would 100% have to be one of those versions that has twelve words in the name, at least eight of which … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Mocha Latte

I’m supposed to make a witty Stranger Things pop culture reference here, aren’t I? Like… “Oh, an Eggo flavored Pop-Tart! That’s one of the Stranger Things I’ll see today! I bet the flavor is turned up to Eleven!” (Actually, that… that was good. I should have just led off with that after all) Anyway, the reason I was reluctant to do so initially is because … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Eggo Flavor!

I don’t… I don’t drink coffee. Never have, actually. When I was younger, I just thought it was gross as shit (it is!), but then, in my mid-20’s, I just cut out almost all caffeine from my life entirely, so even if I had been drinking it… I wouldn’t be now. (I wish I could say I felt appreciable differences before and after dropping caffeine. … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Boston Creme Pie

IN A WORLD WHERE SOME PEOPLE THINK “SALT” AND “SWEET” BELONG TOGETHER, POP-TARTS HAS YOUR BACK. USUALLY YOU WILL FIND PRETZELS TO BE TWISTY-TURNEY TREATS, BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE… FLAT? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! I don’t know that there is a single mall around me that doesn’t have, like, at least TWO Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Shops. And usually in close proximity to one another. … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Pretzel Tarts

Sometimes, when Pop-Tarts releases a new flavor, I think “Well, this might be terrible, but I do need to try it for the #PTQ. I’ll just buy an 8-pack, and if I hate them, no great loss. You know the classic 8-pack box! Four foil packets, two Pop-Tarts each. That’s how we’ve been buying Pop-Tarts for years. But no. When Pop-Tarts release these “Eh, I’m … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest – Peach Cobbler

Guess who’s back. Back again! Pop-Tart Quest is back! Tell a friend. Pop-Tart’s back, Pop-Tart’s back, Pop-Tart’s back, Pop-Tart’s back do do do do do! This is… Pop-Tart Quest! What are you doing with your life, Kellogg’s? It’s been months since the last edition of the #PTQ, and that hasn’t been because I don’t care about my loyal  PTCuties; it’s because they haven’t been releasing … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Fruit Loops

Sometimes an article series disappears for months at a time before making a triumphant, if temporary return! Maybe it’s not the author’s fault! Maybe there hasn’t been anything new to write about! Ever think about that? No, you only think of yourself! I’m so tired of your nagging ALL THE TIME. This is… POP-TART QUEST Wait, did you forget about Pop-Tart Quest? That is disheartening. Let me (and that link … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolate Cupcake

THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! UH, THAT IS ALL THIS WEEK. Fruit pies are the worst kind of pies. There are probably people out there that prefer fruit-based pies to, say, cream-centric pies, but I pity them as human beings, I feel sorry for their descendants, and they can not eat lunch at my table. They make questionable choices, and I worry about what effect their … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Frosted Crisp Apple

IN A WORLD WHERE KELLOGG’S PUTS OUT FAR FEWER NEW POP-TARTS FLAVORS THAN THEY USED TO, SOMETIMES THERE ARE HUGE GAPS IN THESE ARTICLES! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! WHO DARES AWAKEN ME FROM MY POP-TART SLUMBER?! Oh, hey there! It’s been… several weeks since our last journey together down Sludge Road. But yeah, I’m STILL not seeing nearly the new amount of Pop-Tart flavors that … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Peanut Butter

I REALLY FEEL LIKE KELLOGGS AND POP-TARTS ARE JUST IGNORING ME AT THIS POINT. I’M NEVER GOING TO GET MY DISCONTINUED FLAVORS! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! As conceivably the laziest person alive–someone who will stop at nothing to do as little work as possible and circumvent any methods by which I will have to do so–I absolutely love that there was 100% a conversation in … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Splitz

SUPER TIMELY REVIEWS ARE A SPECIALTY HERE, AS WE LOOK AT TREATS RELEASED FOR A HOLIDAY FROM FIVE MONTHS AGO! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Pumpkin flavored anything! You know what that means! Wait, can we talk about how terrific The Good Place is? It’s in my personal top five sitcoms of all time now, with Arrested Development (network seasons 1-3 only because COME ON, NETFLIX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Pumpkin Pie