POP-TART QUEST BEING OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE, IT IS FINDING A REBELLIOUS STREAK! IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WANT TO EAT SLUDGE-FILLED PASTRIES! MAYBE IT WANTS A NICE SCRAMBLED EGG! YOU'RE NOT EVEN ITS REAL DAD! STILL, THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! So, A&W Root Beer flavored Pop-Tarts were pretty bad. I would never recommend those to anyone... Continue Reading →

NOT ALL POP-TARTS ARE GOOD, BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER! ALL POP-TARTS MUST BE TRIED! NO MATTER HOW INTIMIDATING IT IS! THAT'S HOW WE FIND OUT WHAT WILL KILL US, RIGHT? THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Remember those blue Pop-Tarts? No one expected them to be good. I mean, I just LOOKED at those and thought "Well,... Continue Reading →

HOLY CRAP WE ARE INTO DOUBLE DIGITS WITH THESE THINGS? WOW, I HOPE PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING THEM BECAUSE THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT! THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Yep, up to double digits of Pop-Tarts! And they said I’d have died of diabetes weeks ago. So last week, my wife and my sister-in-law (which is... Continue Reading →

YOU'VE SEEN A MAN EAT TWO POP-TARTS AT ONCE. AND WHILE YOU THOUGHT IT COULD NOT BE DONE, NOW YOU CAN BEHOLD ONE HUMAN, MORTAL MAN TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE OF FOUR POP-TARTS! THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Ohhhhh god. I’ve never eaten four Pop-Tarts at once before. This was a mistake. I regret this. For... Continue Reading →

WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR BREAKFAST BARBARIAN, HE WAS... YOU KNOW... EATING POP-TARTS. OBVIOUSLY. BOY, THIS IS REALLY SIMPLISTIC WHEN YOU THINK OF IT. THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! I live by a theory that you can clearly delineate foods by breaking them into two lists: Foods That Are Better Than Things Flavored After Them, and... Continue Reading →

THE WEATHER IS GETTING COLDER, BUT IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, YOU CAN STILL PICTURE A WARM, SUNNY DAY. CHILDREN GATHER ON THE SIDEWALK TO SELL YOU CUPS OF BEVERAGE FOR 50 CENTS. 50 CENTS! AND YOU YOU DON'T EVEN GET REFILLS! WHAT KIND OF SCAM IS THAT? MONEY-GRUBBING BRATS! ANYWAY, THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! On... Continue Reading →

YOU KNOW WHAT NO ONE HAS EVER DONE? A TOASTER STRUDEL QUEST. BECAUSE TOASTER STRUDELS WEREN'T ACTUALLY THAT GOOD. REMEMBER TOASTER STRUDELS? YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN!  THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Dear Internet, Bacon is pretty great, right? I think we all agree on that. There is just something about the greasy, salty, crispy properties of... Continue Reading →

WEEK 8! EIGHT! THAT'S AS MANY AS FOUR PACKETS OF POP-TARTS! AND THAT'S A LOT! THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Yeah, that looks good, right? I mean... come on! Chocolatey Caramel? I like 100% of those flavors. This was a lay-up. A fastball over the middle. An empty-netter. A [sports euphemism to be added later]. I... Continue Reading →

IT RETURNS TO YOUR BREAKFAST PLATE THIS WEEK--WAIT, HOLD ON... YEAH, IT'S BREAKFAST. WHAT? DESSERT? NO, IT'S... I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT A DESSERT. THEY'RE MEANT TO BE EATEN FOR BREAKFAST. I DON'T KNOW WHY! HOLD ON, I'M BUSY, I'LL BE BACK--WHERE WAS I? THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Aw, guys. Guys! Did you know that... Continue Reading →