WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR BREAKFAST BARBARIAN, HE WAS... YOU KNOW... EATING POP-TARTS. OBVIOUSLY. BOY, THIS IS REALLY SIMPLISTIC WHEN YOU THINK OF IT. THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! I live by a theory that you can clearly delineate foods by breaking them into two lists: Foods That Are Better Than Things Flavored After Them, and... Continue Reading →

THE WEATHER IS GETTING COLDER, BUT IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, YOU CAN STILL PICTURE A WARM, SUNNY DAY. CHILDREN GATHER ON THE SIDEWALK TO SELL YOU CUPS OF BEVERAGE FOR 50 CENTS. 50 CENTS! AND YOU YOU DON'T EVEN GET REFILLS! WHAT KIND OF SCAM IS THAT? MONEY-GRUBBING BRATS! ANYWAY, THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! On... Continue Reading →

YOU KNOW WHAT NO ONE HAS EVER DONE? A TOASTER STRUDEL QUEST. BECAUSE TOASTER STRUDELS WEREN'T ACTUALLY THAT GOOD. REMEMBER TOASTER STRUDELS? YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN!  THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Dear Internet, Bacon is pretty great, right? I think we all agree on that. There is just something about the greasy, salty, crispy properties of... Continue Reading →

WEEK 8! EIGHT! THAT'S AS MANY AS FOUR PACKETS OF POP-TARTS! AND THAT'S A LOT! THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Yeah, that looks good, right? I mean... come on! Chocolatey Caramel? I like 100% of those flavors. This was a lay-up. A fastball over the middle. An empty-netter. A [sports euphemism to be added later]. I... Continue Reading →

IT RETURNS TO YOUR BREAKFAST PLATE THIS WEEK--WAIT, HOLD ON... YEAH, IT'S BREAKFAST. WHAT? DESSERT? NO, IT'S... I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT A DESSERT. THEY'RE MEANT TO BE EATEN FOR BREAKFAST. I DON'T KNOW WHY! HOLD ON, I'M BUSY, I'LL BE BACK--WHERE WAS I? THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Aw, guys. Guys! Did you know that... Continue Reading →

IN A WORLD WHERE... HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THIS WEEK'S POP-TART! WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! “Hmmm. What flavor of Pop-Tart should I get for the next P.T.Q.?” “I don’t know, but I’m sick of wanting your sweets. Get a flavor I won’t be enticed by”. “Done”.  One of the Unholy... Continue Reading →

ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER TART, SO IT IS FOR YOUR FEARLESS TASTEVENTURER AS HE UNWRAPS A NEW FOIL PACKET TO SPILL ITS SECRETS UPON THE WORLD. THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! So, back on Week 1 of the Pee-Tee-Cue, I mentioned how Chocolate Chip was the flavor that started The Quest when I caught it glancing at... Continue Reading →

THREE HAVE COME, AND THREE HAVE FALLEN. OUR INTREPID POP-TART WARRIOR MARCHES ON TO DO WHAT NO SANE PERSON EVER COULD... NAY, EVER SHOULD! THIS IS... POP-TART QUEST! Frickin’ Pop-Tarts. All right, fool me once, Pop-Tarts, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I can’t get fooled again. I already see how this goes. Chocolate... Continue Reading →

HAVING BARELY SCRAPED THE FROSTED SURFACE, YOUR BREAKFAST WARRIOR AND HIS INSATIABLE APPETITE RETURNS! THIS... IS POP-TART QUEST! Deep in the heart of the Amazonian wilderness, entrenched so far into the darkest rain forests that society is less than a distant rumor, there lives many creatures that few mortal men have ever seen. These animals... Continue Reading →

WITH THE NIGHTMARES WROUGHT OF CHOCOLATE CHIP GOODNESS BEHIND HIM, YOUR HERO RETURNS WITH ANOTHER STEP INTO THE SEEMINGLY ENDLESS JOURNEY OF DELICOUSNESS! THIS... IS POP-TART QUEST! Sometimes in life--just sometimes--one thinks “I could really go for a Popped Tart-like Treat. But which way to go? There are fruit tarts, and there are also brown... Continue Reading →