Pop-Tarts keeps using words I don’t know. Like Cobbler. Now Fritter. What is that? It makes me think of a… small rodent. Is this the flavor of a small rodent that just ate an apple? Is that what I want from my breakfast?

What is that picture on the box next to the name? It looks like something somebody stepped on. Is that the small rodent? Do we have to smash the rodent after it eats the apple? Do we… is an apple used to smash the rodent? Like the carnival dunking game? You throw apples at the rodent to smash it, and then you get an apple fritter!

Regardless of all that, I do like the light frosting on this, even though it draws inevitable Toaster Strudel comparisons. I don’t know what a Strudel is, either, but that sounds like an instrument. Why is my breakfast so confusing?

Anyway, yeah, the frosting. Far better than the regular Hard Shell frosting most frosted Pop-Tarts get. I mean… this is also a hard shell, but it’s more sparse! And it has a little bit more taste than usual. Or it just tastes like sugar. Whichever.

I’m not sure what exactly this Pop-Tart tastes like. It’s not overpoweringly apple, which is nice. So I guess I’m tasting more Fritter? It’s a good thing. Fritter tastes better than just an Apple Pop-Tart does. I think there is a cinnamon kind of taste to this, but you know what? I’m starting to think I just think every pastry tastes like cinnamon. I’m not sure I actually understand how flavors work.

You’d think I would given that I review food, but… here we are! My wife had to explain the word “savory” to me a few years back. It went like this:

Me: What means “savory”?

Her: It’s the opposite of “sweet”.

Me: So, like… garbage?

Her: No, like… food that isn’t sweet. Like dinner food.

Me: Dinner food tastes like food. That’s it.

If you asked me to name a “savory” food, I would say “gravy”, but that’s honestly just because they sound kind of the same.

I need to Google a Fritter now. I hope it’s not an animal.

Per Wikipedia: “A fritter is a portion of meat, seafood, fruit, vegetables or other ingredients which have been battered or breaded, or just a portion of dough without further ingredients, that is deep-fried.^[1][2][3][4] Fritters are prepared in both sweet and savory varieties.“

So… literally everything is a fritter. Fried Mozzarella is a fritter. Fried zucchini is a fritter. Fried fish, you guessed it, also a fritter!

(Also, there’s that damn savory word again)

That is the most generic definition ever. I must read on.

WAIT!

“A Canadian apple fritter is a yeast-leavened deep-fried pastry. Dough that was left to rise is then rolled with apple filling and cinnamon. It is then broken up into pieces and reformed into a single unit mass. From there it is cut into portions, left to rise, or, fried immediately. It is topped or dipped in glaze icing and served hot or cold.”

CINNAMON!

I was right!

This really isn’t going to help the fact that I think everything tastes like cinnamon, though. I’m really learning the wrong lesson from this.

TASTE: C

It’s better than, like PLAIN APPLE, but there’s no reason to choose this over the more dessert-y flavored ones.

WIKIPEDIA: D+

Maybe if I ever stopped to give them the $1.25 they always ask for, they could come up with something better than “A fritter is basically any food I don’t know leave me alone”.

TOASTER STRUDELS: C-

Not as good as Pop-Tarts! Or maybe they are. I haven’t had a toaster strudel since, like, 7th grade. Put my own frosting on? Come on, I don’t work for you!

CINNAMON: B+

I don’t get why this stuff was so Challenging back in the day. Just tastes like everything. It’s the Chicken of UNSAVORY foods.

Did I use that right?

OVERALL: C-

You have so many better choices! Up to and possibly including Toaster Strudels, which are 5th chair in most orchestras.