THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! UH, THAT IS ALL THIS WEEK.

Fruit pies are the worst kind of pies.

There are probably people out there that prefer fruit-based pies to, say, cream-centric pies, but I pity them as human beings, I feel sorry for their descendants, and they can not eat lunch at my table. They make questionable choices, and I worry about what effect their influence might have on me.

Can you imagine being the kind of person that would prefer a cherry pie or a blackberry pie to a coconut cream pie or a key lime pie? Monsters. The latter are delectable, and are a truly marvelous dessert. The former? What you do to disguise the fact that your crop had a trash yield last year.

Wait, is it… is it key lime? Or Key Lime? Is it a pie from Florida, or no? Huh. I have gone my entire life without ever typing that out, and now I am confused.

Apple pie. Now that’s the worst pie! I enjoy my apples neither warm nor smashy. Apples just need to stay in fresh apple form, like their god tree intended. Also, they should only come in Granny Smith form, because those are honestly the only good apples.

I don’t know what kind of apple these Pop-Tarts are trying to be. The box does seem to promise a Granny Smith treat, but they just taste like a pretty generic red apple to me. They taste… exactly like how you expect them to taste, honestly. There’s no great surprise to these. Close your eyes, picture these Pop-Tarts. Imagine eating them. Yep, you already know exactly how they taste. They taste like an older, even more boring apple pie.

What IS surprising is just how many times Pop-Tarts has played this game!

There are SO MANY ITERATIONS of apple Pop-Tarts, but there’s not just, like, a BASIC apple Pop-Tart like there is for Strawberry or Cinnamon or Fudge. You’d think they’d just make it a regular flavor with how many times they keep going back to the well.

But you know what? I have a theory for why they don’t.

It’s because apple pie is the pits, and no one actually likes it.

Taste:

C- : These weren’t legit terrible. I’d certainly eat them again over such past garbage Tarts as Watermelon, A&W Root Beer, or Maple Bacon. But they are lower tier overall.

Fruit Pies:

D : Real talk: fruit is meant to be eaten fresh, on a spectrum of chilled-to-room-temperature, depending on the fruit. You don’t cook fruit and boil it in its own goo! Why is there goo?! Who demanded this?

Texture:

B+: Just a plain white layer of stale frosting! No sprinkle rocks or nothing. Even the designer wasn’t excited for these Tarts. I appreciate the smoothness, though, for some reason. Makes for a clean plate when I’m done.

Toasted-to-Untoasted ratio:

60%: Look, FRUIT is better cool than warm, but once you have smashy-ed the apple, you might as well warm it up, and these are somewhat better toasted.

Overall:

C : THIS is the only new Pop-Tart I have seen in MONTHS at this time. Do you even comprehend how disappointing that is?