Sometimes, when Pop-Tarts releases a new flavor, I think “Well, this might be terrible, but I do need to try it for the #PTQ. I’ll just buy an 8-pack, and if I hate them, no great loss.

You know the classic 8-pack box! Four foil packets, two Pop-Tarts each. That’s how we’ve been buying Pop-Tarts for years.

But no. When Pop-Tarts release these “Eh, I’m not sure…” flavors, all I can ever find is a 16-PACK! So if I don’t like them, I’m stuck with SEVEN MORE MORE PACKETS OF THEM. Come on, Pop-Tarts. I just want a sample size.

And so it is with today’s new flavor, which came out to coincide with Lemon Meringue and Banana Cream, Peach Cobbler.

I don’t… I thought a cobbler was someone who made shoes. Someone who made old timey shoes. Maybe also a mythical creature? Like a fairy who makes shoes? Or a… (what is the other thing)? Like a gnome? Are they only cobblers if they are fables? Or is “cobbler” a real profession? Do we have… are they still around?! The people that Nike exploits, are they TECHNICALLY cobblers?

I have so many questions about shoes and creatures from lore!

Also, now that I’m looking at this box… have Pop-Tarts always been so jingoistic? “PROUDLY BAKED IN THE USA”? I mean, sure, okay, great. I guess I never thought Pop-Tarts came from anywhere else. Is this where we are in the American culture wars? Our breakfast pastries are going all Hacksaw Jim Duggan on us?

Pop-Tarts are all ‘Murica now, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I have several other boxes at home; I’ll have to check those out later on today.

ANYWAY, these are better than I thought they’d be! Slightly better. Somewhat better. I think I can finish this massive double dose of Pop-Tarts off without any problems. not like those god damn Fruit Loops Tarts. WHOOF.

So hurray! I have several days worth of mediocre breakfast!

TASTE: Not bad. Of everything we’ve done in the PTQ so far, I’d say they are clearly bottom half. Likely even bottom third. But they aren’t inedible, which after Watermelon and Fruit Loops, is all I ask for. C-

SHOES: They are far too delicate. Strap these to your feet, and they crumble away to nothing. Maybe if you are VERY light and VERY dainty and the weather is VERY dry… F+

AMERICAN: I mean apparently! A+

TOASTED TO UNTOASTED RATIO: Almost negligible. Both have an initial bite that is “What? No”, but then becomes palatable as you eat the rest of the Tart. 51%

OVERALL: Not great, but fine. We get THESE, but Pop-Tarts can’t bring back Orange Cream? Boooo.