Pop-Tart Quest: Tropical Mango


I’m not sure I’d ever heard of a mango before, like, 15 years ago.

Look, when I was growing up, there were eight fruits. Apples, oranges, grapes, lemons, other color apples, other color grapes, watermelons, and strawberries. We didn’t have all these fanciful tropical fruits that you Zoomers grew up with! That was it! We didn’t even know about blueberries; we didn’t know food could BE blue!

If you–listen–when I was a kid, if you went to the store and asked for a kiwi, they’d be like “We don’t sell exotic birds here, go away!”. They did not exist yet!

But now we have things like mango, which are represented as this delightful orange-yellow color, but you know what? I’ve seen mangoes in real life, and those fuckers are midnight green.

Wait… I just…

I just Googled mangoes, and they are not what I was thinking of.

I MAY have been thinking of avocados.

We didn’t have those when I was a kid, either!

So it turns out I have never had a mango! Except for, like, right now, in Pop-Tart form. I think my wife bought mangos once, but that’s why I thought they were green, and I’m sure she did not buy avocados. But yeah, she bought mangos, and I did not eat them.

But when I have talked to people about mango Pop-Tarts, the general consensus of others has been “Ugh, no”. But you know what? These were actually pretty good! It’s not like fruit Tarts are uncommon–Cherry, Blueberry, Strawberry, and others are pretty staple flavors–so I’m not sure what the consternation over these was supposed to be about. Maybe real mangos are gross?

(All right, my spellcheck is really throwing me off here, because it’s not mad about mangos OR mangoes)

Anyway, yeah! These were much better than I expected. The fruit-flavored Tarts are always a little less delightful than the more dessert-oriented ones. But I could see eating these with regularity!


These both smell and taste better than expected, and now I suppose I need to find a real mango. My wife knows where they live!


Barely any! And you know what? I prefer that. The frosting on Pop-Tarts never adds anything of value. It’s just this weird, hard, plastic-like coating. More Tarts need to be naked!


Overrated, and I’m not a huge fan of guacamole. It’s FINE, I guess, but it’s, like, a C-tier nacho additive.



Or Mangoes.


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