Look, Pop-Tarts, you have officially gone too far.

I’ve stood by you through a lot of flavors. A LOT at this point. You’ve given us some divine treats and some absolutely putrid tarts. I see that you are willing to throw anything and everything at the wall in order to see what will drive sales. And I respect that! You are a creative force; I am a creative force. I, too, have more ideas than I have the time or sense to work with them.

But I’m not sure I can stand by this abomination. This is just too far out of bounds! Dog-flavored Pop-Tarts is not only disgusting, it’s inhumane, and what’s more–

(What?

A Cookie?

No, I’m pretty sure it’s a dog. Like one of those off-brand crosses–

Are you sure?

A cookie, though? Do you mean like the candy bar?

No? A cookie, huh?

The picture on the box is a Red Lobster roll, though.

That’s a cookie?

Well if you say so… I didn’t really know what dogs had to do with Red Lobster anyway…)

I guess these did taste surprisingly dog-free. I’m not going to lie, when I first ate these, I was like “Wow, cross-breed dogs are delicious!”. I’m glad to see I was wrong on this.

I still don’t know what a “Snickerdoodle” is. I don’t love the name. We already have dogs named “–doodles” and treats named “Snickers”. These cookies being apparently neither canine nor nougat leave me a bit perplexed. I guess, based on flavor and Google, it turns out that “Snickerdoodle” essentially just means “cinnamon”, and HOLY GOD are there are a lot of different kinds of ways to put cinnamon in a damn Pop-Tart. This is, like, the third in a row! I just did Churros and Apple Fritter, man.

Get a new gimmick, Pop-Tarts!

Also: Churros and fritters and doodles… I’m kind of over having to research what the hell it is I am eating. Remember when Pop-Tarts were, like, “Strawberry Milkshake” or “Chocolatey Caramel”? I knew right away what those were.

Next Pop-Tart is gonna be called, like, “Ambidextrous Toads”, and I’m going to discover that’s some kind of German dessert delicacy.

Made with cinnamon, no doubt.

TASTE: B+

You know what? I liked these. But I’m downgrading it out of the “A” range just because OH MY GOD with the cinnamon already.

SHELL: A+

No hard plastic frosting! These are mostly naked Tarts, just dusted with cinnamon. I appreciate!

GOLDENDOODLES AND SHIT: C-

I mean, I’m a cat person, so that’s me. Seems weird to spend a ton of money on a dog that is just a mutt, but I guess ALL dogs were just mutts at some point. Adopt, though. Don’t shop!

(He says, owning a Maine Coon)

SNICKERS: C

Hot Take: Snickers are a mid-tier candybar at best. But that’s just my preference: I don’t like peanuts in things. Peanuts by themselves? Great! Other things? Great! Peanuts in Other Things? Not for me.

OVERALL: A

Never underestimate how superior unfrosted Pop-Tarts are.