I rather infamously do not like coffee.

Even before I cut any relevant amount of caffeine out of my life about 15 years ago, I did not drink coffee. Shit’s gross, guys;I don’t know how you do it. If I did drink coffee, it would 100% have to be one of those versions that has twelve words in the name, at least eight of which are names of different flavors. But even then… it still tastes like COFFEE. Nothing masks that flavor well enough.

Due to the fact that I do not drink coffee, I perpetually forget it’s one of the most popular… THINGS on earth. People run on coffee. They consume it in unhealthy quantities. But not me, so I don’t think about it.

I remember I used to pass a Dunkin Donuts every day on my commute, and some days the line for the drive-thru would be backed out onto the road. And for MONTHS, I would see that and think “Wow, how many people need donuts every day?”. It wouldn’t be until I saw a coworker come in with a DD cup of coffee that the light bulb went off and I was like “OHHHH! It’s not the donuts!”.

I thought donuts were just bigger business than I expected.

But it’s the coffee! Coffee makes America go! And probably other places. I don’t know. I assume everyone else drinks tea or whatever.

So what I’m getting to is that when my wife saw that I bought this flavor, she said “Oh, you are going to hate those”.

But here’s the thing!

Coffee flavored things?

(Especially stuff like this, which is FLAVORED COFFEE flavored things)

I actually kind of like that.

It’s weird.

But actual coffee tastes like… I don’t know. Flaming dirt? I don’t have a word for it. It tastes like coffee. You’ve had coffee! You know what it tastes like. Grossness.

But coffee flavored stuff doesn’t taste like flaming dirt! So that is nice. What DOES it taste like? I don’t know. Tiramisu? Which I know is just coffee-flavored cake, but it’s also the only way to describe coffee-flavored things. So I don’t know what you want from me.

Coffee tastes like flaming dirt.

Coffee flavor tastes like Tiramisu.

So these Pop-Tarts tasted like Tiramisu!

Which is nice, even if Tiramisu is, like, a B-tier dessert. B-tier desserts are still pretty great; desserts are great! Just… if there is an option for cheesecake or creme brulee or something with, like, a warm brownie and hot fudge with icreame?

(I’m actually not going to edit that. That’s how my brain and fingers just decided to type “ice cream”, and I kind of love it. It’s all there except a second C! It’s… it’s actually like an “ice cream” sandwich!)

ANYWAY. Those are all S-tier desserts.

Tiramisu is the “Oh, they are out of everything else, but I still want sweets” dessert.

So these are the “Well, most of the good flavors are gone, but I can get Mocha Latte Pop-Tarts” Pop-Tarts.

TASTE: B-

B- is for “B-tier dessert”.

ORIGINALITY: C-

Pop-Tarts has done this before, under the Dunkin Donuts branding, oddly enough! It’s why when I Googled these, I couldn’t find a picture of THESE Tarts!

ACTUAL COFFEE: F

I wanted to be nice and give this, like, a D. But I really can’t stand it, guys. I mean… gun to my head, coffee or, like, sauerkraut, mayonnaise, hot dogs or cooked broccoli? I’ll take the coffee! But that’s not saying much.

OVERALL: B+

You know what? These smell delightful. That’s always worth something in my book.