It’s just been a few days, but I REALLY seem to be the minority in my opinion on the 2021 Men’s Royal Rumble match. I’m surprised to see so many people high up on it, but I can live with that. It clearly wasn’t for me.
It just felt do derivative. Randy Orton leaves early due to injury just to come back very late and STILL lose? They did that in 1999 (with Austin) AND 2016 (with Roman).
Edge winning from one of the two opening spots while basically napping the whole match? Rey did that in 2006.
The Hurricane coming out to fail humorously at a double-chokeslam? 2002.
Keith Lee not being in it? Every Rumble except 2020. (Sure, he is in COVID quarantine, but THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME ANY HAPPIER).
So basically what I’m saying is, you’re all wrong. Nyah.
Let’s rate some wrestlers!
LOOK: 3 – I meeeeaaaaaan…. They look like The Bushwhackers. Luke, I guess, was Just A Guy, but Butch was friggin’ weird looking; he looked like The Toxic Avenger.
CHARISMA: 6 – I can’t deny that crowds ate their act up. They had an infectious… strut? Walk? What would you even call what they did? But it was fun to do with them as they came to the ring. And in their promos, they just seemed so good-natured and affable. I would want to be their friend… if I wasn’t so concerned they’d lick me. They were a COVID-era nightmare in that regard.
RINGWORK: 2.5 – No, they did not Work in the Ring. You know what, though? The Battering Ram was an entertaining finisher.
THOUGHTS: 11.5/30. I’ll be 100% honest here… even as a kid, I HATED these guys. The first house show I ever attended was with my grandmother, and she thought they were funny. I was a snotty brat basically going “No, they are stupid”. They’d probably get super over with me now that I take it all less seriously. The Battering Ram! Come on! Someone bring that back! Note to self: Top Ten list of tag team finishers!
LOOK: 4 (two dumpy, ugly, tattooed dudes- it fit their role as either brawlers or weirdos, but still)
CHARISMA: 5.5 (amusing doofuses- one-note, but crowds liked them enough as an opening act)
RINGWORK: 2 (JESUS GOD NO. The “Sheepherders”-era were solid brawlers- but their reputation is actually overrated with “I’ve heard that…”-type stuff- but they were among the worst wrestlers in WWF history)
THOUGHTS: 11.5 (NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. A Bushwhackers match was a bad match, every time)
LOOK: 4. They looked like dudes who would roll you in an alley for 6 bucks, but looks can be deceiving. They were actually dudes who would roll you in an alley for 3 bucks.
CHARISMA: 6.5. *Solid* mid card comedy act. Although even as a little kid the armpit licking made me legit sick to my stomach
RINGWORK: 3.5. Im one of those guys Jab hates that talks about how they were pretty good brawlers as the Sheepherders, because it’s true. In their later career they basically just… shit the bed and drank people’s sweat
THOUGHTS: 14. A pretty fair score for low to mid card comedy brawlers
LOOK: 6 – There’s just… SOMETHING off here. He was a big, menacing guy, make no mistake. And as The Godfather or Papa Shango, he had stand-out designs. But you could also tell just by looking at him that he wasn’t a main eventer. I have no idea why. Maybe because he always seemed this weird cross between scary and goofy.
CHARISMA: 6.5 – He made MULTIPLE gimmicks work, and not one of the gimmicks had anything to do with the other. Voodoo priest. Prize fighter. Pimp. Parent’s Television Council avatar. They were all so disparate, but he made each work. But aside from a solid catchphrase, he never really had great promo moments. He was good, but not great.
RINGWORK: 3.5 – Unmemorable. He was the prototype Three-Minute Attitude Era Match guy.
THOUGHTS: 16 for The Godfather seems fair. Like I said… nothing about him screamed “Main Eventer”, but he was entirely serviceable as a mid-carder. He found a gimmick that will endear him to fans of a certain age forever, and… good for him.
LOOK: 7 (as Kama he was around 8, but he was flabby by this point in his career. Still exceptionally tall, though)
CHARISMA: 6.5 (the Godfather is a truly weird mix- as a babyface he’s an easy “8” or so- he could EASILY rile the whole crowd up behind him. But despite being this big, scary-looking dude, he may have the worst Heel charisma of all time. The only thing he seemed to know how to do- as Kama or The Goodfather- was scowl. So he’d just walk around with this big frown on his face at all times, and do NOTHING to get fans to boo him. He just doesn’t know how to be anything but likeable)
RINGWORK: 3.5 (terrible worker- as Kama he was green, and as the Godfather he was a brawler doing 2-minute “RAW Matches” and never went above **. That’s just not the kind of wrestler he was)
THOUGHTS: 17 (above the “average” wrestler, but only by a bit)
LOOK: 7.5. A big, beefy, dude; exactly the kind of guy that would beat the shit out of multiple dudes in a bar. It’s a whole look. And the “drip” was drippy as fuck
CHARISMA: 6.5. As the Godfather he was a fantastic upper mid card guy. As everything else… pass.
RINGWORK: 3. Yikes
THOUGHTS: 16.5. Seems low, but numbers don’t lie
LOOK: 9.5 – Here’s what I will always remember most about Nash: My mother thought he was the hottest dude on the planet. That’s weird, but she was SUPER into him in his Diesel days. The weird thing, I actually he was hotter in the nWo Wolfpac days when he had a bit of grey and just seemed more distinguished. Either way, the dude is a giant and a handsome one at that. If he was just a BIT bulkier, he’d be a 10. For all his positives, he does KIND of look like a guy whose knees will just give out at any time. Big ol’ lanky dude.
CHARISMA: 9.5 – Nash is honestly super close to ten because he was such a good improviser. He could just riff on the fly (a trait pretty universal across The Kliq), and he had a commanding voice. His negative: he was kind of a one-trick pony (cool heel smart ass is a role he perfected, but it was all he did)
RINGWORK: 5 – Honestly not that bad. I think he was pretty much the Average Wrestler here. He could do stuff, he was able to cater his style a bit to who he was fighting, and he was honestly maybe the most carry-able guy in wrestling history. A lot of his “bad” matches are from when he was matched with slugs like Mabel.
THOUGHTS: 24/30 for Big Sexy, The Giant Killer. I could see an argument for going lower on his ringwork, but if anyone called him a 10 in either Look or Charisma, I wouldn’t fight that either. Nash’s best years were wasted being a henchman in the nWo when he should have been main eventing. People will bitch about how and why he beat Goldberg, but it’s revisionist history. Go watch those shows; he ABSOLUTELY should have been the streak-ender. He was red-hot.
LOOK: 9.5 (depends on the era, but Nash was always a big, muscular, good-looking dude who was gonna get a push no matter what. Plus, look at all that hair)
CHARISMA: 9 (one of the most naturally humorous wrestlers ever, whose worst detractors admit he was hilarious. Couldn’t play a natural babyface at all, but as a snarky “Cool Heel” or a vicious monster, he was good. Cut some truly awesome promos in his day, too. Just rarely seemed to get “serious” and it always wrecked his Main Event programs to me)
RINGWORK: 4 (Nash could rev himself up to “8” any time he liked, and has been in more than one **** match and hit ***** with Shawn in their No-Holds Barred match, but they called him “Big Lazy” for a reason. He could slack off and half-ass it like no one’s business, had a tiny moveset, and just didn’t see the point in putting in effort when he didn’t “have” to)
THOUGHTS: 22.5 (another pretty high score- GREAT Look & Charisma, but held back by his crappy workrate and laziness- those rare matches where Nash brings it would shove him up near the all-timers)
LOOK: 9. Although an absolute piece of shit, he’s good looking and massive
CHARISMA: 9. Although an absolute piece if shit, a lot of people fell for his sarcastic asshole nonsense
RINGWORK: 3. For an absolute piece of shit, he’s an absolute piece of shit.
THOUGHTS: 21. Fuck Nash. I hate him.
I hate him.
I hate him.