I’m abjectly terrible at knowing when wrestling is on these days.
Like sometimes? I mean to watch Dynamite every week, right? But sometimes, it will be 9:30pm on Wednesday night, and I will go, “Oh! I should… Oh. Crap”.
And my lack of remembering to watch wrestling means I had NO IDEA that Hell In A Cell was on tonight until earlier today when I was browsing some app on my phone (Twitter? It was probably Twitter. I’m always on Twitter), and saw an ad for one of those gambling sites to get on today and bet on Hell In A Cell. That was how I knew it was even on. It still feels like Backlash was two weeks ago. This feels abrupt.
As an aside, I do not gamble, so I’m not sure why I get those ads, helpful as it was today. I’m FRIGHTFULLY bad at gambling. Look back at any article I’ve ever written that involved some level of prognostication, and you can laugh and laugh and laugh at how wrong I was long-term. So gambling is essentially that… but I also get to lose money at the end? What fun! I used to be in a $20 fantasy football league, and that was big huge stakes for me!
WAIT WAIT WAIT I now interrupt this preamble ramble to note I am writing this during the pre-show, and MVP WROTE A RAP ABOUT TURNING ON BOBBY LASHLEY? Holy hell, I fucking love wrestling sometimes. Is that on Spotify yet? I’m adding it to all my playlists if so. That was sick. A banger. A bump. I don’t know what young people say. MVP is my favorite wrestler tonight now.
Where was I?
Oh right, watching wrestling.
I need motivation to try to remember watching wrestling more often these days. Should I start doing weekly Raw or Dynamite reviews? It’s worth a consideration, so maybe look forward to that! If you have any interest in seeing those going forward, let me know in the comments. Like Tinkerbell, I rely entirely upon your clapping.
While I ponder doing that, though, let’s get into Hell In A Cell!
7:56pm: Actually, wrestling proper has not started yet, but my wife just realized she never ate dinner today, so here we are, Doordash-ing Applebees for 9:00pm on a Sunday night. Does Applebees have good nachos? I sure do hope so since that is what I ordered. I intend to be Eating Good In The… in the… in my own home, I guess. Which is in a Neighborhood! Hey, it works.
(I have to Google that to make sure that is Applebee’s slogan and not, like, Chik Fil-A or something)
((I was right! Huzzah! Corporate America is working on me after all. Good job, capitalism, I guess))
8:07pm: Oh! the opening match is the Raw Women’s Title match! I was worried that Hell In A Cell was looking to be a one-match show, and if that is true (it won’t be), at least we are getting that one match right away!
I am very excited for this. Is it predictable? Sure. I can’t imagine any ending of this match that isn’t Bianca going over Asuka in particular (although, see: what I said earlier about predicting things). But that doesn’t mean the action won’t be lights out. And with these three? Oh, it will be. I’m ready!
8:10pm: All the talent that have gotten new theme songs lately, but Becky is still rocking this song which does not fit her Big Time Becks character AT ALL.
8:11pm: ASUKA IN A JASON MASK. This gives me very confused hormones. But it IS the combination of two of my favorite things. I’ll figure out my 41 year old puberty moment later.
8:17pm: JESUS CHRIST the Powerbomb Asuka just took to the top turnbuckle. I would be dead if I took that bump.
(The replay shows it was her shoulders that hit, not her neck. But in real time, that looked devastating)
((It would STILL kill me, don’t worry))
8:24pm: God damn, these are three of the best on the planet, regardless of gender. So much energy and pop here after a minorly sloppy start. They just keep going and increasing the intensity.
8:28pm: Double Anklelock by Asuka to both opponents! Impractical if you think about it for more than two seconds, but it looked FANTASTIC.
8:34pm: Bianca pins Asuka, and suddenly I feel like I SHOULD gamble on very easy calls.
This was a great match because OF COURSE IT WAS between these three. Asuka taking the pin in her first match back after her long layoff makes me sad, but all three women came across as dynamos, so who can really complain?
8:38pm: MVP just told Cedric Alexander to piss off, basically. Poor Cedric. I hope this leads somewhere for him. Every time I see Cedric doing nothing, I am reminded of “Please Sign Cedric” all those years ago.
8:40pm: THE MVP RAP IS BACK! Is it called “Fall Mighty”? Well I love that even more. I think I missed that the first time around. Put every belt on this man right now.
8:52pm: Commentary: “It is hard to swing back from being fully mounted by MVP!”.
Hahaha, “mounted” is never not a funny word, and I’m a child.
8:53pm: MVP allegedly hates it from interviews I swear I have seen, but I love the Playmaker (he didn’t hit it here, but he set it up). It’s such a rad move. Is it just me? I am not sure I… “get” it, but it looks so neat. I used to give that to my Create A Character in WWE games all the time.
8:54pm: Okay, so Cedric cost Omos and MVP the match here. So… are we moving onto a Cedric/Omos feud? That doesn’t seem like it will bode well. But I am curious as to where this is going to go…
8:58pm: Nachos have arrived! Now I feel like I’m in the All State Arena.
9:00pm: Time for Ezekiel vs Kevin Owens. Is this Ezekiel gimmick getting over as much as I hope it is? It is what I call the Stupid Sweet Spot. It’s so dumb that it works, and Ezekiel really is selling the hell out of it. It SHOULDN’T work, but here I am, loving it anyway.
I’ve heard people say this limits Ezekiel. “Ezekiel is not a world championship gimmick!” they complain. Guess what? Neither was Elias.
9:12pm: KO wins. The match itself was fine. Nothing spectacular. Also not spectacular? Doordashing nachos. I am full of congealed cheese, dry meat, and regret.
9:17pm: Next up is The Judgment Day vs The Bull-Liv Club. I’m here for naming more WWE faction after old PPV themes. Lashley and Cedric can form Armageddon. Rename the Bloodline into WCW Sin. There’s a Great Balls Of Fire joke here, too; those never get old.
Or… hold on! OR! We could name all stables after Terminator sequels! Next month, Tommaso Ciampa leads Rise Of The Machines against Mustafa Ali and Genisys!
(Dark Fate and Salvation would be pretty swell group names…)
9:20pm: Rhea Ripley has scales drawn on her face! Quick, someone summon Moon Knight! Only he can defeat her now!
9:21pm: Did commentary just refer to Liv Morgan as “long-time tag team partner with Rhea Ripley”? Because that is WILDLY disingenuous.
9:28pm: Wow, I already forgot Finn Balor was United States champ in very recent memory. The very definition of a transitional champ with that reign, right?
Although in WWE Commentary timelines, that would make him a “long-time” US champ.
9:39pm: The Judgment Day wins a perfectly good match when Edge spears Balor, and I’m sure that’s the right call because WWE clearly has nothing in mind for Finn, AJ, or Liv. And that sucks, but hey… they don’t ask me what I think.
At some point in the match that I missed, AJ got busted open pretty bad on the head. There were puddles and streaks of blood outside of the ring.
9:43pm: In between matches, Cedric tells Lashley that he interfered for HIMSELF, not for Bobby. He wants to find out who he is on his own without worrying about who he hitches his wagon, too. Follow through now, WWE!
Or have Omos destroy him for a few weeks. You know… whichever.
9:45pm: Catching the Moss/Corbin recap prior to their match, and I feel like that spot where Corbin Pillmanized Moss’ neck with the Andre statue should have led to Moss being out for MONTHS. What did he miss? A week or two?
And why is he still MADCAP Moss? He said in the video package that Happy Corbin ended Madcap Moss, and yet… he is still using that name. Why not go back to Riddick Moss?
Those complaints aside? This story has really gotten Moss over with me. I never cared about the guy before, but now I am invested in him. He has a lot of fire I never noticed before, and his upward trajectory could be pretty impressive over the next few months.
9:53pm: Corbin teasing the crowd by almost pulling out a table was a good moment. Sometimes he does things that make me wonder why I don’t like the guy more. He clearly has a lot of talent.
10:02pm: Both guys put on a solid plunder-filled encounter! Their previous bout at Backlash was a pleasant surprise, too. Moss won by Pillmanizing Corbin’s neck as revenge, and hopefully these two can move on. I do have more worries that with this feud on his rearview mirror that Moss might get lost in the WWE shuffle, but… he’s got some great momentum right now. Let’s make this man a star, WWE. I’m on this boat.
10:10pm: So Austin Theory has lost his first name and is now just Theory.
Then why is his logo still an AT design? And his finisher is called A-Town Down, right?
I’m excited for an inevitable Theory Vs Riddle feud. That sounds like it would make a great show on The History Channel or something.
10:12pm: Mustafa Ali lost his first name once and was just Ali. Now, he is Mustafa Ali again. I’d ask who gets to decide these things, but… we all know.
It’s still surreal that Ali is back in the ring for WWE after the last several months. Did Vince promise him that if he comes back and jobs off a bit, they’ll release him sooner?
10:14pm: NEVER FORGET: Theory’s current push started when he stole the egg from that Red Notice movie. That we were told to believe was the real missing egg of Cleopatra or whatever. That was strange.
10:16pm: Theory with a leaping seated-springboard Spanish Fly into a Thesz Press with punches! Well excuse the hell out of me, guy. Leave some spots for literally anyone else.
(Seriously, that was amazing and looked beautiful. So fluid and picture perfect)
10:21pm: Theory wins, as he was always going to. Really good match, too, between two hyper-talented dudes.
I was watching the returned Battle Of The Brands on UpUpDownDown, and Corbin snuck in and accused Tyler Breeze of being salty that Theory stole his gimmick. Man, I’d be sadder about that, but I’m just happy Breeze was allowed back on UUDD. I wonder how hard Woods had to push Vince for that.
10:29pm: Oh, Cody vs Seth is the main event of this show? I had just assumed Roman Reigns had a match tonight, but that’s apparently untrue.
Okay, I’ve been a supporter of Roman’s reign, but if the news is definitively true that he’s about to take on the Brock Lesnar schedule, that really will be a huge detriment to WWE. The guy has BOTH belts and isn’t even defending them on a Premium Live Event Special Extravaganza Show? Man, that’s bad for business, right?
Again, no one asks me.
10:34pm: Okay, time for Seth Vs Cody Part 3. And, oh yeah, both Part 1 and Part 2 were bloody wonderful. Let’s go, fellas!
Seth in the polka dots is a good touch. I love when he goes into mind games mode.
10:36pm: That HAS to be a makeup job on Cody’s chest/arm, right? My brain refuses to accept that that is real. That’s gnarly. Holy hell.
10:42pm: If this injury is legitimate, then… this is a miraculous effort. Not because this match is particularly amazing so far, but the fact that it even IS a match. If he is out there with an honest-to-god torn pectoral muscle and is working anything other than a one minute pseudo-squash, that is downright Herculean.
(Yes, obviously, I was out of the loop regarding this news. The first I’d heard of Cody being injured was on the pre-show, and I just assumed it was a storyline until a few minutes ago when I looked up the news)
10:45pm: Hahahaha Cody is out there doing possibly inhuman work, and the crowd busts out into a huge “THANK YOU ROLLINS” for pulling out a table. Daniel Bryan was right; we are fickle.
10:49pm: A wild bullrope appeared!
10:58pm: Seriously… I can’t stress enough, if this injury is real, this is… there are no words. How is this still going?
11:03pm: Cody won, and I really don’t like that call if the injury is legit. But you can’t say the guy doesn’t deserve it. And yeah yeah… Seth is bulletproof, I know.
And that is it for Hell In A Cell 2022, another WELL above average WWE special event effort! It almost feels like an undersell there, but I remain a fan of these shows. WWE just consistently puts out great programs here, say what you will about their weekly television offerings. I’m rarely disappointed in these.
So what were you thoughts? Were you a fan, too? Favorite parts of the show? Let me know in the comments.
Until next time… take care!