Banana Bread is a myth.

Here is my proof: Every so often, my wife and I will buy bananas. And, as bananas do, sometimes they go REAL brown before we eat them all.

At that point, my wife will say, “Oh! I’ll freeze them, and then eventually, I will make some banana bread!”

You know what my wife has never ever made?

Banana Bread.

So I think that Banana Bread is not real. It’s just a legend. A promise of a tasty treat upon which no delivery is ever made. Sure, we as a society could probably figure out how to take a banana (squishy treat) and turn it into a bread (squishy treat), but in reality? It’s a technology that eludes us. Everyone thinks they can be the one to master it, but no one ever has.

Think!

Have YOU ever had Banana Bread?

You may recall that you have!

But I promise it was a lie. A flavor deception. Someone TOLD you they turned a banana into bread, but it’s actually impossible. It’s a taste placebo effect. They TOLD you they made something good so that your brain goes “Oh, that sounds great! I want that!”. And then they give you some shit-ass bread that they tried to flavor with, like, one of those banana Runt candies. But your brain already told you what it thinks this bread will taste like, so you deceive yourself.

Search your feelings; you know this to be true.

I am right about all of this. I have to be.

Or else my wife would have made me Banana Bread ever.

This is the actual box my Banana Bread Pop-Tart came in because I can’t find a picture of this flavor online after a rudimentary search. Probably because Banana Bread is a myth!

Honestly, these Tarts smell AWFUL. They smell like the Diet Pepsi version of Pop-Tarts. You know how diet pop has that smell/taste? So do these while they are toasting. It’s both weird and repugnant.

They are fine to eat, though, if underwhelming as far as banana-adjacent Pop-Tarts go.

Let’s talk about bananas themselves, though!

What is your preferred banana range? For me, 1-2 are wildly inedible, with 3 honestly not that far behind. 4 is good. 5-6 are optimal. 7 is mythological Banana Bread territory.

I like a ripe-ass banana, though. The less ripe it is, the more bitter it is. People whose favorite is 3: how do you do it? The whole flavor isn’t there yet! You have to WAIT. At 3, you aren’t getting a banana. You are just getting a banan.

And level 2 people: you’re just monsters. I don’t believe anything you say.

TASTE: B-

These Pop-Tarts are just “fine”. I’ll finish the box without difficulty, but I’m ALWAYS going to wish they had just brought back the Banana Creme Pie ones instead.

SHELL: A-

The shell on this Tart is a strange light-brown color you don’t see too often from Pop-Tarts. I like it! I like new things! I guess it’s supposed to look like banana bread. I mean… if such a thing existed.

BANANA RANGE: 5-6

5 or 6, people! That’s the best banana.

OVERALL: B

B is for Banana.

Also for Bread!

Also for “There are, like, 10 Tarts I’d buy before I’d buy this again, but if it’s all the store had, I wouldn’t pass them up”.