Time for another WWE Premium Live Event from across the ocean with a strange starting time, this one of 1:00pm EST. And on my birthday weekend no less. I suppose that’s actually good; it frees up my evening to do the… um… nothing. Nothing that I have planned. I have no plans. Woo?

That’s fine. I’m fine. This is FINE. I have 800 things to do anyway, including the write-up of my most recent Buffy The Vampire Slayer episodes I watched. And I have a few advanced screeners to watch from Screambox that I should take care of the reviews for.

Regardless, let’s see how Crown Jewel 2023 shakes out!

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12:08pm: Hey, who is this Megan lady!? I was tuning in to see Kayla Braxton! But at least there is no Booker T, so I guess you have to take the small victories. Even if it means I will go through this entire PLE without knowing what the Shucky Ducky Quack Quack moment is.

12:21pm: Rey Mysterio vs Logan Paul for the United States Title later on today is being discussed now. Paul HAS to win this, right? What is Rey doing for the US Title? It remains the Forgotten Singles Title in WWE. Put that shit on Paul’s waist! I want to see it. Let him carry that belt, defend it every other month or whatever he wants, and get some eyes on that title the layperson doesn’t even know exists.

Or keep it on Rey and keep bouncing it around between lower end midcarders while we all continue forgetting it exists.

12:38pm: Oh, here’s Sami Zayn, reduced to a pre-show nothing match against JD McDonagh just ten months after the Royal Rumble Pop Of A Lifetime. What are they doing with this guy?

12:42pm: Nothing. I mean… nothing is what they are doing with him. Does Judgment Day really need the tag titles? Did WWE really need to split up Sami and KO after the whole Bloodline story spent so much time getting them back together? Sometimes things happen and leave me really confounded, I guess.

12:44pm: I wonder if LA Knight is watching the coming-off-of-being-WHITE-hot Sami Zayn in a nothing pre-show match and realizing this is his future not long after he loses to Roman Reigns tonight.

12:46pm: J.D. with an ENORMOUS bruise or brush burn on his lower left side. OUCH! I’d be out; that would be the end for me in a match. Take it home and get me out of there. I hope he is okay and it’s just superficial. I’d be actually crying.

12:48pm: Sami wins with a Helluva Kick / Blue Thunder Bomb combination because he at least damn well better still be high enough on the card to go over JD McDonagh.

Why did that match just make me angry?

1:01pm: Okay, time for Crown Jewel proper to start, and I hear we are leading off with Seth Rollins and Drew McIntyre. That should be a hell of a match. LET’S GO.

1:07pm: I love that everything Drew McIntyre says is correct: He missed out on the most monstrous moment of his career through no fault of his own when the pandemic hit. The Bloodline stole his title win over Roman Reigns from him. Everything he says is right and true. He is the sympathetic character in this arc. I really dig the Selfish Drew turn he has going on. I’d like to see him win today, but… that shan’t be happening.

1:12pm: Another match where Drew doesn’t just walk up and stab his opponent through the gut before the bell. Another missed opportunity. Someday!

1:19pm: Man, these fans LOVE McIntyre. Unexpected! Even on the Boo/Yeah! punch moments, Drew is getting the cheers.

1:21pm: FANTASTIC flurry of offense from Rollins that ended with a springboard senton rolled through into a springboard moonsault. Damn. That’s a new wrinkle to Seth’s offense that you like to see! This all merits the first “This Is Awesome” chant of the night.

1:28pm: Rollins flips around and over, and he turned a short-arm clothesline into a Pedigree. I kind of love some of the action in this match!

1:30pm: Phoenix Splash attempt time for Rollins, and… he misses, as always. He is now 1-and-502 for that move. Then Seth kicks out of a Claymore!

1:32pm: Seth wins, as was always going to be the case, but the match truly was pretty damn awesome. Great start to this show!

1:34pm: Well, here comes Damian Priest, but Sami Zayn returns onto the main card after all and saves the day by stealing the briefcase. How heroic, ha! But hey, at least he got onto the actual Crown Jewel after all.

1:41pm: Women’s Fatal Five-way time, with Shayna Baszler, Zoey Stark, Nia Jax, Raquel Rodriguez, and Rhea Ripley. The contenders get sped-up entrances to squeeze them all in one on top of the other. Rhea gets a special Saudi-themed entrance with dudes holding smoking chalices.

1:49pm: Everyone’s affection for Mami set aside, is Rodriguez the only official babyface in this match? Nia is definitely a heel. Not sure Stark or Baszler ever officially turned in the last few months, even after Stark turned against Trish Stratus.

1:50pm: I realize my computer keeps autocorrecting Nia to Mia, so if I miss fixing any of those, I apologize.

1:53pm: Rad as hell moment where Shayna has Rhea, Raquel, AND Jax all in submisson holds at the same time. It lasts a while, too, before Zoey Stark finally breaks it up when the referee goes to check if Jax had passed out.

1:58pm: Haha, Rhea wins to retain her title in a spot that was a bit over-telegraphed, but it was still pretty sweet. She did an Avalanche Riptide onto Raquel, who was trying to pin Shayna Baszler, who had also just taken a Riptide. It’s a bit sad to see Shayna take the pinfall in this one, but she was protected as heck.

Honestly, that’s two-for-two on great matches, as this one was a very fast-paced car crash match, with all five women mattering and having good moments.

2:01pm: We get a commercial of various WWE stars (Knight, Bayley, Drew, and Bianca) all telling us how great Saudia Arabia and their official airline is. It’s always a bit silly when parts of these Saudi shows turn into a commercial for how supity-duper this oppressive, backwards regime-run country is.

2:11pm: Cena vs Solo Sikoa is up next! Wade Barrett, while talking about the Samoan Spike affecting Cena’s voice as an actor, says “What are you going to do? Make a Charlie Chaplin movie? I don’t think that would work in this day and age!”.

If I may take a moment to sound like an old man, I actually never in my life saw a Charlie Chaplin movie until this year, and you know what? They still hold up perfectly well! I watched The Kid, Modern Times, and City Lights all this year, and the latter two in particular are at least as hilarious in 2023 as they were ninety years ago. I scored them both 4.5 out of 5.

So take THAT, Wade Barrett! I’d see John Cena in a silent picture done right.

2:19pm: To this point, this is not a patch on the first pair of matches, but that’s not to say it’s bad. It’s just The Average Wrestling Match. The story seems to be Solo repeatedly going for the Spike, and Cena dodging it. And Solo just keeps hitting his running hip charge in the corner. Jeez, you’re gonna kill him with that, Solo!

2:22pm: Cena just countered the Spike AGAIN. That’s at least the fourth time.

2:24pm: There’s a FIFTH Spike counter, this time into an STF.

2:26pm: After starting off 0-5, Solo hits ELEVEN Samoan Spikes essentially in a row. Jesus! Solo obviously wins the match. And I guess John Cena is now a mute. Get the silent pictures ready, Hollywood! I would think a wrestler could handle physical comedy very well.

2:35pm: Okay, I missed a few moments putting some Halloween decor away, but when I come back, The Miz is doing MizTV with a guy named Ibrahim Al-Hajjaj. I guess he is an actor, not a wrestler based on how Miz starts talking about him before Grayson Waller interrupts.

2:39pm: This continues for some time until Miz works as the face with Ibrahim to take out Waller. Ibrahim ends up hitting a People’s Elbow to an ovation.

2:49pm: Okay, time for the United States Title match. Let’s see what happens. I really can’t see Paul losing to Rey, but… who knows?

2:55pm: Rey has a strap on his mask that reads “MASK”, so is Rey getting to the point where he is getting his masks and his underwear mixed up? And he is labeling them? He IS an old man; these things get hard. That would make quick stops to the urinal very efficient if he swapped them. Well, if you could SEE the urinal, I guess; so it might end up with its own problems.

3:02pm: In 2023, Logan Paul is a much better Rey Mysterio than Rey Mysterio is.

3:06pm: Logan Paul just saved Rey’s god damn life by catching him when Rey’s moonsault came up short. That could have been extremely bad news, and credit to Paul for being ON IT to rush forward and catch him with Rey’s head about a foot from the mat. This guy is so intuitive and good at wrestling, man. That save goes well beyond looking crisp with his moves.

3:10pm: Haha, Logan Paul wins in such a way that it makes Santos Escobar look like the least competent minion ever. Poor Escobar, man. But at least the result is right. I’m excited for this, actually! Where does a Logan Paul title reign end up going? Does he feud with LA Knight to get Knight even more over, perhaps?

3:17pm: Time for Iyo Sky and Bianca Belair. This should be phenomenal! Very excited.

3:30pm: Somewhat slow and sloppy so far, but telling a good story with Sky going after the previously injured knee. Bayley has just shown up, so we are likely coming up on the end here. Let’s see if she plays out as help or hindrance to Sky this time…

3:35pm: Kairi Sane is back! Oh wow! I’m ALL ABOUT this sinister, slithering Kairi Sane. It gives me feelings.

3:37pm: Interesting storylines here, with Kairi coming back, Sky retaining off the Over-The-Moonsault, and Bayley seeming confused about Kairi being there at all. AND commentary points out that it was Bayley who sent Sane out of WWE a few years ago. Long-term stories; you love to see it.

3:38pm: Cody Rhodes vs Damian Priest is up next, and I won’t lie: I forgot this match was scheduled. I thought Roman/Knight was all that was left.

3:51pm: I also totally forgot Damian Priest does his own version of Cross Rhodes. He hits Cody with it on the announce table, but it doesn’t break the table. The crowd chants for him to try again, but Priest heels it up by refusing to give them what they want.

3:53pm: Balor and McDonagh and Dom Mysterio all join the match, though Jey Uso super kicks them all out and sends them scurrying to the back.

3:55pm: I know the fans are chanting Cody–obviously–but it DEFINITELY sounds like they are chanting “Kofi”, and I agree! I wish Kofi was here, too. Bring back Kofimania!

3:57pm: Cody wins with three Cross Rhodes, which is essentially his finisher, right? He uses three of them in succession more often than he uses one. Especially in PPV matches.

4:03pm: LA Knight vs Roman Reigns time. I was really hoping Knight would get a better finisher before they’d crossed paths. In no reality do I see Reigns losing to the BFT.

4:11pm: I know LA Knight looks like LA Knight, and Cameron Grimes looks like Cameron Grimes, but I kind of wish Grimes was getting the push that Knight is. I really dig both talents; don’t get me wrong. They are probably equal on the mic, but Grimes is better at wrestling. And I was a big fan of Grimes in NXT; the guy is entertaining as heck. I guess I’m just sad that Grimes is a catering guy on the main roster. He deserves better.

Not that LA DOESN’T deserve this.

4:22pm: Now I’m considering what I would Bret Hart grade out Knight and Grimes. Knight would be an 8 in Look, a 5 in Ringwork, and an 8 in Talking.

Grimes would be a what? 3 in Look at the absolute best, and may realistically be a little worse. Let’s call him a 2.5. I would give him 8 in Ringwork and 8 in Talking?

So that’s a 21 for Knight to 18.5 to Grimes. But that Look score is the big one against Cameron. Let me know what YOU’D score them!

(Also, should I bring back the Bret Hart Categories articles? Those were always fun to speculate upon and discuss in the comments).

4:30pm: Jimmy Uso saves Roman by putting the foot on the ropes after the BFT. Do we have a good explanation for WHY Jimmy went back to Roman yet? Because this has yet to make any sense to me. I got his explanation for why he stopped Jey from beating Roman; that made a level of sense, at least. But it didn’t explain why Jimmy went back to the Bloodline. Oh well.

And, oh hey, Roman wins. There you go.

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No outright stinkers, a few great matches, the return of evil Kairi Sane, and pretty much the right results all over the place. I really enjoyed this show overall!