WrestleMania!

I’m excited. Are you excited? I’m excited.

This is shaping up to be a pretty great ‘Mania. Who knows? By the end of it, we may be throwing up our hands at squandered opportunities, but… I doubt it. WWE does the Every-Ten-‘Manias pretty damn well. WrestleManias 10, 20, and 30 have all been pretty well received, and–notably–all have seen the show end with the fans’ choice holding aloft the world title.

Is that an omen of how this extravaganza will conclude? We shall see! But until then, I’m hyped for the ride to that point.

I have… no earthly idea what Michael Cole is wearing as I sit here and watch the Pre-Show. He looks like he got lost on his way to the CMA’s. I guess it’s a choice. I see my girl Kayla Braxton, though; her outfit is much more glorious.

It’s also great to see Big E and CM Punk as part of the pre-show crew. I love Big E, man. I wish they found more stuff for him to do. Put him on commentary or something! He’s a star and a great dude.

Speaking of stars, big celebrations are in order for one of favorites, ROXANNE PEREZ, for recapturing her NXT Women’s Championship earlier today!

Okay, I’m blathering on as the pre-show runs. Time to power up with some dinner, and I’ll be back for the show proper…

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7:06pm: They are going to keep talking about the weather this weekend, aren’t they? Whose idea was it to hold WrestleMania in an outdoor arena in the North in early April? The weather could have been literally anything. What a risk! They are lucky it’s “only” like 50 degrees. That’s almost as warm as you could have hoped for!

7:08pm: As a Seahawks fan, I will point out I am inherently distrusting of any event that is XL (a.k.a., #40 in its lineage). I fully expect the referees to screw some of the wrestlers before this show is over.

7:10pm: We are ten minutes into WrestleMania proper, and we are getting a Triple H ring introduction. He is *checks notes* NOT competing. We just had a two hour long Pre-Show! But the fans love Trips, so I guess it’s worth it for them. He gets a whole ring introduction just to welcome us to WrestleMania, then he leaves haha.

7:14pm: BECKY LYNCH VS RHEA RHIPLEY kicks us off, and Becky’s ring entrance sees her quoting from her autobiography that came out so recently. This is my pick for Match Of The Night for night one. Well, this or the tag team ladder match. Or Sami vs GUNTHER. One of my picks. But I went on record on the Best Film Ever podcast earlier today with this as my pick, so I’ll stand by it now!

7:16pm: Rhea Ripley is sung to the ring by the band that performs her entrance music. FUCK, I love WrestleMania! I’m already so hot for this match, this night, this card. LET’S GO!

7:23pm: We have dueling stories here: Becky Lynch has been suffering from strep throat; Rhea Ripley has a left wrist injury. Becky spends the early going working the arm of Rhea Ripley. I’ve played enough WWE 2K24 My GM Mode to know Becky asked for this show off due to her illness, but the GM must have said no. Small decrease to Becky Lynch’s morale!

7:25pm: Following a Tornado DDT, the fans are MOSTLY behind Rhea, but it’s a lot closer than the bulk of her matches because, you know, Becky Lynch. Becky is one of the few women who could earn cheers against The Eradicator.

7:27pm: Becky’s gear has what appears to be passages from her book written on it. Interesting! Good for her. Writing isn’t easy, guys! I want to write an autobiography, but I have no idea where to start.

7:35pm: A phenomenally athletic spot sees Rhea Electric Chain position Becky. They roll to the outside, but Rhea keeps her in the EC hold, then we get an Electric Chair Drop on the floor. Wow! Back in the ring, Rhea hits a Frog Splash for two!

7:37pm: Rhea retains after a double Riptide–the first into the top turnbuckle. And with the challenge of Becky Lynch thwarted… is Rhea destined to hold the title until next year’s WrestleMania, likely against Royal Rumble winner Jade Cargill? Who else could possibly beat her by then? What a reign this could be! WWE loves these reigns these days.

(Though yes, I am getting ahead of myself)

7:40pm: Next up is the SIX TEAM TAG TEAM LADDER MATCH! After some commercials, including a first look at Zack Snyder’s next joyless and generic movie, Rebel Moon Part Whatever No One Cares..

7:45pm: #DIY comes out in their Degeneration X cosplay. The awesome Truth comes out singing Truth’s entrance music. Also: note HOW the Tag Team Titles are hung for this match; they are separate on two different hangers, about a foot apart. Are we getting the championships split up in this match? Or is it a red herring, and we will get one team retrieve both sets? Stay tuned, fans of tag team wrestling!

7:50pm: Okay, Michael Cole noted that both sets of titles needs to be claimed, so let’s see how this shapes up.

7:51pm: I would like to point out that #DIY, The New Catch Republic, and A-Town Down Under are ALL wearing green, and I HATE IT.

7:54pm: Damien Priest just Razor’s Edge’d Pete Dunne into Tyler Bate on the ladder!

7:57pm: This is so much fun. R-Truth gets the hot tag from Miz and runs wild. He hits the John Cena spots and AA’s Balor through a ladder. Gargano comes in and Sweet Chin Music’s Balor, then Ciampa hits a Fairy Tale Ending / Pedigree on him. I love all of this. The reunited Regeneration X decide to split up the tag titles, but A-Town Down stops them and heads up. They win the Smackdown tag team titles! But the match continues until someone claims the Raw tag team titles. The action continues, and I CAN NOT KEEP UP.

8:03pm: AIR RAID CRASH FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER from Ciampa to Tyler Bate!

8:07pm: Car crash matches at WrestleMania are typically a lot of fun–at least, I always think so–and this was absolutely no change there. The Awesome Truth wins the Raw Tag Team Titles when Truth stops Damien Priest from ascending and then gets the belts himself. This match put a smile on my face, and everyone was useful. New Day, who was nothing but an afterthought in this match at this point in their career, had several big, fun moments. They even earned a “New Day Rocks” chant. The crowd was MOLTEN hot for R-Truth. Just a lot, A LOT, of fun. This show is everything I wanted so far.

8:13pm: After a few more commercials, up next is REY MYSTERO AND ANDRADE VS DIRTY DOM AND SANTOS ESCOBAR.

8:21pm: This is WrestleMania. Do we really need a branded match? All the LED screens are suddenly plastered with Minute Maid advertisements.

8:32pm: EVERYONE gets involved here since both teams come with an army of minions. So we get a lot of luchadors flying around. It culminates in two massive masked men stopping Dirty Dominik from cheating, then Rey goes over his son at WrestleMania yet again! Wow, even if I predicted it earlier in the day. Poor Dom just can’t get a WrestleMania win, can he?

Oh, and the two big guys are members of the Philadelphia Eagles. So there’s that, I guess.

8:40pm: Amazing, amazing, amazing JIMMY USO VS JEY USO video package. Reminding us that when WWE feels like doing a WrestleMania vignette hyping up a match, they are the world standard at such things.

8:44pm: Jey starts the match off hot, hitting a dive onto his twin brother during the latter’s ring entrance!

8:47pm: My on-the-record prediction for this match is that Jimmy wins and the cross-brand feud continues to SummerSlam or so. Just because Jimmy needs this win about 9000 times more than Jey does. Jey is wildly popular and over no matter what. Jimmy Uso is, if you include Paul Heyman, the FIFTH most important member of the Bloodline.

Also, every other WrestleMania match between brothers has seen the heel win. Why not continue that?

8:50pm: As we get a “YEET!”/”BOO!” off between the two, I still feel like this angle missed its second act somewhere. I have gone into this several times, though. I just don’t follow WHY Jimmy has this much vitriol to Jey after his rationale for stopping his brother from defeating Roman was that he loved Jey too much to watch him become an asshole like Reigns.

8:53pm: After a Superkick-off that Jey wins, Jimmy begs off from a deathblow by Jey and starts expressing that he is sorry. BUT IT’S A PLOY! Surprise superkick and quick splash, but Jey kicks out.

8:56pm: Jey Uso wins, breaking the streak of heel brothers winning at ‘Mania. That match felt stuck in third gear. It was Good, but it never hit Very Good levels. It was fine, this was fine. I just expected better.

8:59pm: Commercials and OH HEY, Night Swim is now on Peacock. I might as well give that a watch this week. Next up is DAMAGE CTRL VS BIANCA BELAIR, NAOMI, AND JADE CARGILL.

9:09pm: It takes less than a minute into the match for commentary to point out that Asuka has never won at WrestleMania. And she ain’t gonna start tonight.

9:12pm: Has there been a WINGSTOP advertisement in the upper left of my screen all night and I’m just noticing it? Or is it just for this match? Oh, it left. Like it was never there at all. Maybe I’m going delusional.

Seems weird that WrestleMania is advertising both Applebees’ 50 cent wings AND Wingstop tonight. But I’m not convinced I didn’t imagine that Wingstop advertisement just now.

9:16pm: Jade gets a hot tag, freezing Damage CTRL in place, instantly giving her some great credibility. A few spots after that, and we get the predictable finish of Jade hitting Jaded and getting the pinfall win.

I’m still thinking about that phantom Wingstop ad. I could go for some garlic parmesan wings. But from Wingstop or Applebees?! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?!

9:20pm: SAMI ZAYN VS GUNTHER is up next! Can Sami finally get over the hump and win a big match at a big show? Let’s see!

9:26pm: Sami gets a tracking shot as he approaches gorilla position. We see Chad Gable tell him to go to the ring alone and that he can do it. Then he sees Kevin Owen at gorilla to get a final psych-up, and it’s ring entrance time!

The crowd doesn’t seem nearly as hot for Sami as they were a year ago, but… that will happen with some of the booking he has faced. Also they might be actually physically cold by this time of the night in Philly.

9:31pm: As this match starts, I will pop in the privacy of my own home in Sami wins this. For so many reasons. It’s the best result for both men.

9:36pm: Well I certainly hope Sami wins, as commentary basically said he will be considered a loser in front of his family if he is unable to win this match!

9:41pm: Sami kicks out of a Double Powerbomb, and the crowd is alive for this match!

9:46pm: SAMI DOES IT! Massive top rope Brainbuster onto the turnbuckle, follows by two Helluva Kicks, and Sami wins! What a fun David Vs Goliath match that was. It was all about GUNTHER hitting all of his big moves, and Sami absorbing them all and refusing to give up. Now Sami gets his big win and GUNTHER is free to move on up to the main event scene. Everyone wins.

Mostly me. I’m very happy with that result.

9:52pm: Applebees commercial again, telling me they won a taste test for best boneless wings. And they don’t even have “wing” in their name, the commercial says! FROM HELL’S HEART, APPLEBEES STABS AT YOU, WINGSTOP!

And Buffalo Wild Wings, too, I suppose.

9:54pm: Nick Aldis and Adam Pearce are here. To announce attendance? Yep. It’s 72,000+. Good for WWE.

10:05pm: Next up: ROMAN REIGNS AND THE ROCK VS CODY RHODES AND SEATH “FREAKING” ROLLINS! It’s allegedly the Biggest Tag Team Match In WrestleMania history.

Another awesome pre-match video package. Get it, WWE. I need WWE to make video packages for me before I go to work, man. I would be able to do my job a hundred times better.

10:12pm: Rocky gets a Final Boss video wall and flaming brahma bull entrance, complete with his People’s Championship Title he was given at the Hall Of Fame ceremony.

10:20pm: Eight minutes later, and Roman Reigns’ ring entrance is STILL going on.

10:24pm: Remember that Wingstop ad? I’m still thinking about it as the match is just about to start and the bell rings.

10:31pm: Rock tags in, so let’s see how this goes and what he still has!

10:33pm: The crowd is living and dying for this match. ROCKY chants, singing Seth’s song, CODY chants. No surprise that Philadelphia of all places has opinions.

10:37pm: Rock drops another F-bomb while threatening the referee to not count the count-out while everybody leaves the ring and brawls around the arena. Rock wallops Rollins with a trash can, and I guess the count-out threat came with a veiled disqualification threat. Brawling in the crowd? Punches and kicks aplenty? The referee just refusing to count or disqualify anyone? It’s the Attitude Era all over again!

10:46pm: NOW THERE IS AN AD IN THE UPPER LEFT FOR “AMERICAN HOME SHIELD”! I don’t… I don’t even know what that is. I wonder how their wings are. Oh, it’s gone, too! Am I going mad?

10:48pm: Rock punches Seth in the dick, and this really IS an attitude era match now.

11:02pm: Rock and Reigns kick out of dual Pedigrees! This match is great. I’m watching too much to take too many notes.

11:05pm: Cody Rock Bottoms Rock through the announce table! Roman Spears Seth through the obligatory Spear Spot on the barricade!

11:06pm: The American Home Shield ad is back for a few seconds, then vanishes again. This is my own personal Mr. Mxyzptlk.

11:09pm: Rock pins Cody after a Spear from Roman, a Rock Bottom, and the People’s Elbow. This sets up the match we knew we were getting on Night Two where were can have a ton of bodies flying around in the main event for another big trash can match (and I mean that in the very best way).

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And that was all just Night One! We get some repeat shots from last year with a dejected Cody sitting in the ring with a celebratory Roman Reigns behind him.

How did YOU like Night One of WrestleMania?! How are you feeling about Night Two? Which do you think will be the superior night? What was your Match Of The Night?

Let us know in the comments!

Until tomorrow night… take care!