NOT ALL POP-TARTS ARE GOOD, BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER! ALL POP-TARTS MUST BE TRIED! NO MATTER HOW INTIMIDATING IT IS! THAT’S HOW WE FIND OUT WHAT WILL KILL US, RIGHT? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST!

Remember those blue Pop-Tarts? No one expected them to be good. I mean, I just LOOKED at those and thought “Well, I hate myself, so this is probably what I deserve”. But that was fair, because I anticipated it going in. I steeled myself for garbage, and I dealt with it appropriately with each reluctant chew. It’s fine, I’m fine, this is fine. You were honest about yourself, blue Pop-Tart, and I appreciate that.

What isn’t fine is when I find an innocuous Pop-Tart–one I expect to fall in the middling C-grade range–only to discover that it hides the devil inside.

HAHAHA, these were trash. Just the absolute worst. We have covered before how Pop-Tarts are not a drink, but at least Pink Lemonade still tried to be something tasty. These were like an End-Level Boss of Pop-Tarts. They sat menacingly after having powered through fourteen other types before them and challenged me. “YOU THINK POP-TARTS ARE A FOOD TO BE CONQUERED, LAD? THEN COME… COME MEET YOUR FROTHY, ROOT BEER DOOM!”

There is no easy way to describe these Tarts. I’d have rather had A&W cheeseburger flavored Pop-Tarts than these. If this is what root beer tasted like, it would have ceased to be a thing an eternity ago. It would have gone extinct. Like a turtle without a shell, flailing hopelessly in the world without any sort of defense!

I’m using a lot of pictures in this one because these were SO BAD, and I don’t want to talk about them. A&W should sue someone over this! I have had their root beer, and it is wonderful! How did you screw this one up so badly, Kelloggs? One week after showing me how much you could improve on Oreos, you give me this? THIS?! You’ve failed me for the… well, probably not the last time. And who are we kidding? I still love you. It’s why I get so mad, baby; I just know you can do better. You just me angry some times.

Taste: 

D : Unpleasant!

Actual A&W Root Beer:

B+ : Maybe my favorite of the big brand root beers!

Clever Disguise: 

B- : I really thought this would just be a below average Pop-Tart, and I was SO, SO WRONG.

Toasted-to-Untoasted Ratio:

0% : Do not toast, but instead, just place directly in your garbage can.

OVERALL:

D- : These were rough, but I am saving the dreaded F grade for the one flavor I haven’t tried yet and fully expect to be death incarnate.