Pop-Tart Quest: Maple Bacon


Dear Internet,

Bacon is pretty great, right? I think we all agree on that. There is just something about the greasy, salty, crispy properties of bacon that make it a nigh universally beloved food. It can be flimsy or rigid, greasy or dry; it doesn’t matter. It’s an addictive flavor and a savory treat. Comedians make jokes about it. You make memes about it. It’s just the best. I like it. You like it. Everyone we know likes it. 

But, Internet, I’m starting to worry about you. This love for a delightful food is moving on to something darker. Sure, at first you were just having a good, casual relationship with bacon. You’d pick it up at its place, say a few nice things to its dad (even though he is such a pig), and take it out to a nice meal. If everything went well, one of you would end up in the other’s mouth. It was good for everyone involved; you were both satisfied.

But now, I think you’re getting a bit stalker-ish. You have pictures of bacon all over your room. You’re starting to show up to bacon’s work just to say “I missed you”, even though bacon’s boss clearly told bacon that you’re creeping out the clients. You’ve started asking other dates–like turkey–to dress up like bacon in bed, even though it’s definitely not the same, and turkey can’t possibly be into it.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but… bacon wants some time apart. It thinks you should start seriously seeing different foods. Bacon thinks you seem to have a good thing going with sushi! Maybe pursue that one for a while. Bacon just needs some time alone to sort out its feelings.

Kellogg's Pop-Tarts Frosted Maple Bacon Toaster Pastries (14.1 oz) -  Instacart

So here’s the thing: I like bacon. You know what I want to taste like bacon? Bacon. You know what I don’t want to taste like bacon? Everything else. First of all, it’s always a disappointment compared to actual bacon. Secondly, it is is never as good as the stand-alone food. Thus, Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts. Oh, these were terrible. Not inedible or anything–I finished the box for you, the people, I just didn’t enjoy it–but they were not a treat. If these were just Maple Pop-Tarts, they’d be pretty decent. They smell amazing, and the maple taste is pleasant. But the tiny chips of bacon bits on top of the Tart–and that is what those little fuckers are, go look at the picture again–are just terrible. It’s like some evil scientist came along and was all “EAT THIS COOKIE AND THIS PANCAKE AT THE SAME TIME!” and I was all “Okay, cool” and he was all “BUT ALSO THIS BACON!” and I was all “Nooooo!”. 

That’s… that’s how this week went. 


50% : ….wait. That’s not a letter grade. Jesus, Stewart, are you even trying anymore? Well, I mean the maple is good; I could totally go for just Maple Pop-Tarts. But the bacon is my foe here. 


D- : Seriously? Bacon bits? This ain’t a salad or a potato. What goes on here?

Being a meme: 

A : The Internet loves bacon, yo. Coming next: Grumpy Cat flavored Pop-Tarts.

Toasted-to-Untoasted ratio: 

1% : If you eat these untoasted, the bacon flavor almost disappears. Toasted, and it’s Baconmania running wild, brother.



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