YOU MIGHT THINK POP-TART QUEST IS OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK NIOW, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG. WEEKS AREN’T THE SAME THING AS YEARS. YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST!

Pop-Tarts are one of the most unpleasant foods in the world to eat when you have mouth ulcers! It’s the perfect storm of pain: the hot gooey inside can burn an already sensitive area; the sharp, crusty edges can scratch it; and the crumbles of the flaky pastry can brush it and stick against it. It’s the worst, and these Tarts are kind of my enemy after it all!

I’m barely one whole Tart in, and I think my mouth is bleeding.

Anyway, yes Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts IS BACK. Where did it go? Perhaps to the 1950’s where it belongs.

I’m not going to give Vanilla Milkshake half the shit I gave Strawberry Milkshake as to just being a step removed from a real flavor because, to my knowledge, there is no straight VANILLA Pop-Tarts.

Are there?

*Google Interlude*

There’s not.

Except that there KIND OF is because, apparently, Cookies & Kremlin had an interlude as “Chocolate Vanilla Cream” once…

But I am not going to count that.

ALSO!

I found these:

And hot diggity, I would rather be eating those!

Limited edition Pop-Tarts are kind of the bane of the #PTQ’s existence, because Google searches turn up all sorts of delightful Tarts I will never get to try. I’ll be honest, the #PTQ started out at face value as just one man’s quest to try all these darned Tarts… but now? Now I REALLY just want to get god damn Kelloggs’ attention and have them send me discontinued flavors. But they keep ignoring me! I’ll eventually resort to groveling, I guess, because I really want these guys:

My two seconds of research says those are from 2009, and… hey! I turned away for two seconds, and my cat stared eating my damn Pop-Tart! I have to wrap this up.

Taste:

B : I don’t regret this!

Consistency:

B- : A real surprise here because I thought this would be the creamy inside that many similar Tarts (Hot Fudge Sundae, Cookies & Clem) had, but nope… it’s not QUITE typical sludge, either. It’s chalkier?

Nuke Gives it:

A- : He left it alone after I shoo’ed him, but he then chowed down on the bit I broke off to see if he liked it after all. Two paws up.

Having Mouth Ulcers:

F- : Not recommended!

Toasted-to-Untoasted Ratio:

65% : Substantially better toasted, but not garbage if eaten plain.

OVERALL:

C+ : PAY ATTENTION TO ME, KELLOGGS. I don’t want to low-ball this score, but you brought it on yourself!