There’s no level of talking down enough that I can do to lower your expectations far enough that when you see my list, you will think, “Well, it’s not THAT bad”.
It’s going to be very, very bad. There’s no disagreement. We are in this together!
Here is where I have to be honest with you: I am neither a liar nor a panderer. When I make a list of things, no matter how controversial, outside-the-box, or idiotic it may seem, I can at least promise you that it is my absolute honest truth. I may not share any opinions with you, dear reader, but I will not lie to you. I will give you my actual thoughts, and you can tell me what a buffoon I am. This is our agreement.
Do you respect that? Boy, I hope so. Because I have an admission.
After initially thinking “Best Picture winners? That’s easy!”, I actually looked over the list of every Best Picture Winner ever. Eep. I have only ever seen twenty of them. And that is really stretching the boundaries of the word “seen”, because I am including movies I haven’t watched since I was a little kid and remember virtually nothing about.
But still… twenty! That’s all right! I only have to have liked (and remembered enough about) half of them. That should be easy enough, right?
Before we get into my actual Top Ten List–which, haha, I am stalling because it isn’t going to be noteworthy at all because I have SO LITTLE TO SAY on this matter–here is a chronological breakdown of every Best Picture Winner I HAVE seen, as well as a quick personal note:
Gone With The Wind: Silly stereotypes and way too long.
Casablanca: Boring.
The Sound of Music: It’s all right, and that might be good enough.
Oliver!: This is the “Please sir, can I have some more?” movie, right? I feel like I watched it in school as a kid.
The Godfather: Saw this as kid. Remember Marlon Brando and nothing else. Offers you can’t refuse. Horse head.
Rocky: Hey, I liked this one.
Amadeus: Watched this in music class in middle school. Remember nothing. Wait, this won BEST PICTURE?
Rain Man: Saw this in theater as a child. Never since.
Silence of the Lambs: This is fine.
Forrest Gump: This is fun enough, AND my wife’s favorite movie ever.
Titanic: It’s Titanic. Everyone saw Titanic.
American Beauty: Aged about as poorly as humanly possible in every regard.
Gladiator: I didn’t love this when it came out and never watched it again. It’s almost certainly better than I remember.
Chicago: How sad it is that this is likely top five for me.
LOTR: Return of the King: I hated the LotR movies. They were so repetitive with what felt like the same action scene over and over across nine hours of movies. The acting and cinematography were good, though.
Crash: This is the movie Crash.
The Departed and No Country For Old Men: It sure was nice of the Academy to put my #2 and #3 movies for this list in subsequent years.
Slumdog Millionaire: Regis Philbin: The Movie.
The Shape of Water: This was all of my nope.
Parasite: I was happy when something legitimately great won, and this will likely be my #1 movie until I die.
And that’s it! Never saw The Godfather Part 2 that I can recall. I think I saw the last half hour or less of Schindler’s Listonce. Got bored and turned Birdman off after about fifteen minutes. I’m just not very good at Best Picture winners.
There are two likely reasons for this: The first is that I’m bad at watching movies that existed before I was old enough to appreciate them or see them when they came out. I’m last person on Earth who is ever going to have the thought, “You know what I want to watch? A movie from the 1970’s”. And the 70’s seem archaic to me! So something from the 40’s? Never going to happen. There are so many movies released in the past ten or twenty years that I need to see. I ain’t got no time for the past!
That said, I’m not real big on modern Best Picture winners, either, because the Academy has gone out of their way in the past decade to become this weird exclusionary force. I remember growing up and seeing big movies come out and wondering how those movies might fare during award season. Now it’s more of a… “Gee, I wonder how a very select group of movies no one actually watched that are all released in November and December will do during the award season they were specifically marketed for”. It’s just… I don’t care, because the Academy is all a big circle jerk of elitist old straight white dudes.
It’s too bad our list wasn’t The Top Ten Movies That Were Nominated For Best Picture. I could do much better with that. Somehow, someway, Lord of the Rings beat out Lost in Translation in 2004. What a crock. Get Out fell to The god damned Shape of Water. Little Miss Sunshine deservedly lost to The Departed, but it’s still a great movie! I could make a quality Top Ten out of movies that DIDN’T win Best Picture!
But nope. That’s not what we are doing. So…
(Look, like I said, this is going to hurt both of us, so… I apologize in advance!)
#10. The Sound of Music
It’s about music! And Nazis!
#9. The Godfather
It’s fun to talk like Marlon Brando in this movie!
#8. Titanic
Kate Winslett and Leonard DiCaprio had really good chemistry!
#7. Silence of the Lambs
Otherwise I’d have never heard of Fava Beans!
#6. Chicago
It gave me the ol’ Razzle Dazzle!
#5. Forrest Gump
It had no business winning Best Picture, but it’s still fun!
#4. Rocky
Almost as good as Rocky IV!
#3. The Departed
Leonardo DiCaprio strikes again!
#2. No Country For Old Men
*Air gun to the skull noise*!
#1. Parasite
Featuring 100% fewer zombies than my wife thought it would have!
I tried to keep that fast and painless. I hope you appreciate it.
I am still struggling with the fact that RETURN OF THE KING won Best Picture, but Avengers: Endgame wasn’t even nominated. If this were any era prior to 2011, Endgame would have been nominated and likely even won. But nowadays, the Academy is to far up its own ass.
It’s fine, I’m fine, this is fine. I’ll just ignore the awards like I normally do anyway. No harm, no foul.
Until next time… take care!
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