NO PICTURESQUE FOOD THIS WEEK; WE’RE BACK TO POP-TARTS THAT DO NOT DOUBLE AS FINE ART. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST!

More smooshing!

Pop-Tarts loves to release things thematically nowadays; they do very few solo releases that I can remember in recent months. The Orange Crush and Root Beer flavors came in tandem, and so did these Splitz (also: the two next flavors on the list AND two Jolly Rancher flavored Tarts that I MAY HAVE MISSED AND NOT BE ABLE TO DO, and that makes me sad because, really? Green Apple Pop-Tart? That could have gone in so many directions!). Even the DC Comics themed Tarts came as a tag team, with the second flavor just being generic Strawberry Pop-Tarts with DC heroes printed on them. I did not buy those for review because I assume we all know what Strawberry Pop-Tart tastes like. We’ve all had it!

SPEAKING OF WHICH!

The second Splitz offering is Frosted Strawberry and Drizzled Cheesecake. Between this and Sugar Cookie, I’m not sure what has so fascinated Pop-Tarts with the idea of drizzling. That… that’s what rain does. “How’s the weather?” “It’s drizzling out.” “WHAT? There are sugar cookie and cheesecake Pop-Tarts outside?! Wow!”

How do you “drizzle” sugar cookies or cheesecake? These are both solid substances. This is the kind of thing I want to know. My late grandfather was a bricklayer (is that what that’s called? Bricklayer? Brickputter? Brickman?), and I wonder if he ever drizzled the bricks into place.

As I searched for the best bricklaying image to use there, I got to thinking: what is the point of bricks? It seems like the cement stuff does all the actual work; why aren’t we just using that? But I guess bricks are the horseradish of building. You can’t have seafood with just KETCHUP. That’s awful! So you have to intersperse the ketchup with horseradish to form a wonderful cocktail sauce! Then it fits the need that you have.

Remember that in a few weeks; there’s going to be a test: Bricks are the horseradish of houses. Very important stuff.

Ha! I don’t plan these articles out in advance at all; I just write whatever comes to me as I eat my Tarts. This is just what my brain does. Come here to learn about Splitz Pop-Tarts? NOPE. We’re talking bricks and seafood condiments, buddy!

Taste:

B : These were actually pretty good. Strawberry Pop-Tarts aren’t my jam (GET IT BECAUSE JAM?!), but mixed with another flavor, they balance pretty well.

Cocktail sauce:

A : It’s, like, my third favorite condiment (assuming A1 is a condiment; if not, it might be second!). Who’s up for cocktail sauce Pop-Tarts!? I know I… am?

Bricklaying:

C-? : I don’t know. It seems way too hard for my delicate self.

Toasted-to-Untoasted ratio:

15% : These were much better fresh from the foil than they were toasted, which stands to reason with basic Strawberry in play.

Overall:

B : I enjoyed these, much more than I thought I would!