IN A WORLD WHERE… HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S POP-TART! WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST!

“Hmmm. What flavor of Pop-Tart should I get for the next P.T.Q.?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sick of wanting your sweets. Get a flavor I won’t be enticed by”.

“Done”. 

One of the Unholy Trinity of Pop-Tart Flavors I was dreading when I started PTQ, this week I submit to you: Blue Raspberry! Don’t expect the other two for quite a while yet… I have to space what little unpleasantness PTQ brings me as far out as possible.

QUESTION TIME: Are there such a thing as blue raspberries? I’ve certainly never seen them in the wild nor in grocery stores. There are blueberries, but they do not look raspy at all. I would Google this, but I worry it will just be another waffle situation, and I’m in no hurry to repeat that experience.

Kellogg’s actually already makes both Blueberry and Raspberry flavors of Pop-Tarts, so I’m not sure who the target demographic is for these Tarts. It seems like your bases are all already covered. “I want a blue Pop-Tart… oh, there it is!” and “I want raspberry flavored Pop-Tart. Oh, there it is!”. Who out there is the demanding portion of the population out there with the “I want a food, but only if I can get it in a color in which it does not organically exist”. I bet they are fucking liberals. Coming up next for those folks: Orange Grape Pop-Tarts! Followed by the long-awaited Purple Lime Pop-Tarts! 

(OH MY GOD, ARE THERE LIME POP-TARTS?! I have to find this out, because those would totally go on the list!

*Googles*

There is not.

BUT!

My search turned up that there are Spider-Man flavored Pop-Tarts!

And now that is all I want.

Because obviously).

These Pop-Tarts are… exactly what you’d expect, really. They are not ideal. I’ve actually eaten the entire box at this point (I saved the last pack for PTQ review, which is the opposite of how this has usually gone down), and I feel like it has shaved minutes off my life; as if I’m going to be on my deathbed, peppering my loved ones with some flowery words of hope, and then I’ll just die. Before I can finish. And the doctor will look at my chart and go “Oh, looks like the Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts kicked in. If it makes you feel any better, he will only taste moderately worse when we cremate him now”. 

So… not good, is what I’m saying.

Taste:

D-? : I mean… it’s bad. But I anticipate it being actually the best of the Three Flavors Of Doom, so let’s not overshoot here. D-.

Being A Color Found In Nature: 

F : I mean… the sky never even looks like that. What is this color? If urine was blue… it would be this shade of blue.

Having Spider-Man On The Box: 

D+ : There isn’t. BUT, I actually dug the box out of the garbage to check because… who knows, right? And while there is nary a Parker to be found, there is a cartoon labeled “Blue Streak” that shows a Pop-Tart running around with the bottom of its body pixelated out. This is absolutely true. Look at it in the store.

Toasted-to-Untoasted Ratio: 

100%, and that shocked me because the difference is usually negligible on the fruit-flavored Tarts. But toasted, these things are palatable. Untoasted? Borderline inedible. Truly awful. Singeing your taste buds as you eat these is your only chance.

Overall: 

D : Do not imbibe.