POP-TARTS ARE FOREVER. POP-TARTS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND. BLOOD POP-TARTS. TWO KARAT POP-TARTS. WAIT, NONE OF THESE SOUND RIGHT. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! I know I have given Pop-Tarts some crap in the past over flavors like Pink Lemonade, Orange Crush, and A&W Root Beer because drinks aren’t food. But what if they kind of split the difference? Milkshakes! Milkshakes are the food of … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Strawberry Milkshake

NO PICTURESQUE FOOD THIS WEEK; WE’RE BACK TO POP-TARTS THAT DO NOT DOUBLE AS FINE ART. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! More smooshing! Pop-Tarts loves to release things thematically nowadays; they do very few solo releases that I can remember in recent months. The Orange Crush and Root Beer flavors came in tandem, and so did these Splitz (also: the two next flavors on the list … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Splitz Part 2

POP-TART QUEST BEING OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE, IT IS FINDING A REBELLIOUS STREAK! IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WANT TO EAT SLUDGE-FILLED PASTRIES! MAYBE IT WANTS A NICE SCRAMBLED EGG! YOU’RE NOT EVEN ITS REAL DAD! STILL, THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! So, A&W Root Beer flavored Pop-Tarts were pretty bad. I would never recommend those to anyone ever. But did you know that, like a fine, aged … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Orange Crush

NOT ALL POP-TARTS ARE GOOD, BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER! ALL POP-TARTS MUST BE TRIED! NO MATTER HOW INTIMIDATING IT IS! THAT’S HOW WE FIND OUT WHAT WILL KILL US, RIGHT? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Remember those blue Pop-Tarts? No one expected them to be good. I mean, I just LOOKED at those and thought “Well, I hate myself, so this is probably what I deserve”. … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: A&W Root Beer

HOLY CRAP WE ARE INTO DOUBLE DIGITS WITH THESE THINGS? WOW, I HOPE PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING THEM BECAUSE THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Yep, up to double digits of Pop-Tarts! And they said I’d have died of diabetes weeks ago. So last week, my wife and my sister-in-law (which is weird to say. I’ve never even had a real sibling … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

YOU’VE SEEN A MAN EAT TWO POP-TARTS AT ONCE. AND WHILE YOU THOUGHT IT COULD NOT BE DONE, NOW YOU CAN BEHOLD ONE HUMAN, MORTAL MAN TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE OF FOUR POP-TARTS! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Ohhhhh god. I’ve never eaten four Pop-Tarts at once before. This was a mistake. I regret this. For years, I have wondered, “How will I die? What will … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Red Velvet & Cinnamon Roll

WHEN LAST WE LEFT OUR BREAKFAST BARBARIAN, HE WAS… YOU KNOW… EATING POP-TARTS. OBVIOUSLY. BOY, THIS IS REALLY SIMPLISTIC WHEN YOU THINK OF IT. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! I live by a theory that you can clearly delineate foods by breaking them into two lists: Foods That Are Better Than Things Flavored After Them, and Foods Where The Flavor Is Better Than The Actual Food. … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Cookies & Creme

THE WEATHER IS GETTING COLDER, BUT IN YOUR MIND’S EYE, YOU CAN STILL PICTURE A WARM, SUNNY DAY. CHILDREN GATHER ON THE SIDEWALK TO SELL YOU CUPS OF BEVERAGE FOR 50 CENTS. 50 CENTS! AND YOU YOU DON’T EVEN GET REFILLS! WHAT KIND OF SCAM IS THAT? MONEY-GRUBBING BRATS! ANYWAY, THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! On an oppresively hot summer day, after the sun has been … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Pink Lemonade

YOU KNOW WHAT NO ONE HAS EVER DONE? A TOASTER STRUDEL QUEST. BECAUSE TOASTER STRUDELS WEREN’T ACTUALLY THAT GOOD. REMEMBER TOASTER STRUDELS? YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN!  THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Dear Internet, Bacon is pretty great, right? I think we all agree on that. There is just something about the greasy, salty, crispy properties of bacon that make it a nigh universally beloved food. It … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Maple Bacon

WEEK 8! EIGHT! THAT’S AS MANY AS FOUR PACKETS OF POP-TARTS! AND THAT’S A LOT! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Yeah, that looks good, right? I mean… come on! Chocolatey Caramel? I like 100% of those flavors. This was a lay-up. A fastball over the middle. An empty-netter. A [sports euphemism to be added later]. I thought, “I want a delicious Pop-Tart for this week of … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolatey Caramel

IT RETURNS TO YOUR BREAKFAST PLATE THIS WEEK–WAIT, HOLD ON… YEAH, IT’S BREAKFAST. WHAT? DESSERT? NO, IT’S… I’M TELLING YOU, IT’S NOT A DESSERT. THEY’RE MEANT TO BE EATEN FOR BREAKFAST. I DON’T KNOW WHY! HOLD ON, I’M BUSY, I’LL BE BACK–WHERE WAS I? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Aw, guys. Guys! Did you know that it was my mouth’s birthday? It’s apparently my mouth’s birthday! … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Confetti Cupcake

IN A WORLD WHERE… HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S POP-TART! WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! “Hmmm. What flavor of Pop-Tart should I get for the next P.T.Q.?” “I don’t know, but I’m sick of wanting your sweets. Get a flavor I won’t be enticed by”. “Done”.  One of the Unholy Trinity of Pop-Tart Flavors I was dreading when I started … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Blue Raspberry

ANOTHER WEEK, ANOTHER TART, SO IT IS FOR YOUR FEARLESS TASTEVENTURER AS HE UNWRAPS A NEW FOIL PACKET TO SPILL ITS SECRETS UPON THE WORLD. THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! So, back on Week 1 of the Pee-Tee-Cue, I mentioned how Chocolate Chip was the flavor that started The Quest when I caught it glancing at me across the Wal-Mart and thought of how delicious it … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Hot Fudge Sundae

THREE HAVE COME, AND THREE HAVE FALLEN. OUR INTREPID POP-TART WARRIOR MARCHES ON TO DO WHAT NO SANE PERSON EVER COULD… NAY, EVER SHOULD! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST! Frickin’ Pop-Tarts. All right, fool me once, Pop-Tarts, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I can’t get fooled again. I already see how this goes. Chocolate Peanut Butter. I remember Chocolately Strawberry! I remember! That is … Continue reading Pop-Tart Quest: Chocolate Peanut Butter